monday morning mayhem...

1. dusty boxers...

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!”

2. you have to listen carefully before you explode...

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin.

An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. “This is not what you promised me,” said Osama.

“Now Osama,” the angel replied. “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven.”

3. not to be biased and to even things out...

George Bush dies and goes to hell where he’s confronted by the devil. “I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You’re on my list… but I don’t have anything for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m gonna to do.

I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you, I’ll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide (since you are, afterall, the DECIDER) who leaves.

George thought the deal sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened a door to the first room, in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room, in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In that room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms over his head, and his legs spread in an eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and, finally, said “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”

4. sunday school lesson...

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

rotflmao!

and i can't stop...