Showing posts with label weekender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weekender. Show all posts

30 July 2010

weekender...

finally, the answer to one of the most annoying questions...


two stupid chickens



and for anyone looking at office departures...


the importance of sentence structure...


The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."




chimpanzee-laughing
he's so embarrased...

23 July 2010

weekender...

and that's when the fight started...


My partner was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

He was not happy with what he saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

and that's when the fight started........



Maxx Happy.gif

16 July 2010

weekender...

and that's how it started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my partner kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of.

First, the truck, the car, new playlists, always something more important to me.

Finally he thought of a clever way to make his point. When I arrived home one day, I found him seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed him a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp...




Maxx New Friends.gif

25 June 2010

weekender...

A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."



chimpanzee-laughing
i knew Simon would get it!
it was a 'roofer' for Maxx...

18 June 2010

weekender...

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 1st grade student...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.




lauging chipmunk
Maxx brought home a new friend;
he says he's related to Alvin;
i doubt it...

11 June 2010

weekender...

Bubba goes to college...


A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.

"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the Years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed To have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks: "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats"


chimpanzee-laughing

23 April 2010

weekender...

setting a secure password...

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said,

'Duh! I was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!'


i know, i know. another blonde joke, but i haven't done one in a while; actually i haven't done any jokes in a while...

Blond martini.gif

09 April 2010

02 April 2010

weekender...

looking for a new job? Ole was too.

Ole wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' Ole says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.


number 9



'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says Ole.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'


number 99



The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

Ole stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'


number 100



The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.'

'So, ven do I start? '



Maxx New Friends.gif

you had to know these two would get it...

05 March 2010

weekender...

WARNING: gratuitous blonde joke...



During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.



blond laughing

01 March 2010

monday morning mayhem...

sheesh - another two feet of snow!...



two feet of snow



keyboard for old men...



keyboard for old men








chimpanzee-laughing
Maxx brought a new friend home while i was away;
this one is fun...

12 February 2010

weekender...

Clean your computer screen!


You probably don't clean your computer screen very often and it is really hard to do the inside, so a present for you for the weekend is



click on the word "HERE" above and wait for a few seconds; the inside of your screen will be cleaned for you!

05 February 2010

weekender...

Little Eddie...

Little Eddie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Eddie asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Eddie, looking worried, said: "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."



drunk horse
Maxx brought home a new stray.
something tells me we're in
BIG trouble...

22 January 2010

weekender...

the Chippendales then...


chippendales



and now...



Chippendale's 30th Anniversary





disco dancer

no comment from Maxx on this one;
he couldn't stop laughing...
bitch!





Confucious say: Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

15 January 2010

weekender...

Maxx decided that there shouldn't be a weekender today.

there is really nothing funny after what happened not only in Haiti but with the responses from certain characters like Robertson and Limbaugh who use the misfortune of others as reason to espouse lies and further their hypocritical and insidious agendas.

try and have a good weekend...

08 January 2010

weekender & monday morning mayhem.. best of 2009

i've spent the last week going over all of the weekender's and monday morning mayhem's to decide THE BEST OF 2009...

well, it really was a no brainer. not only is it Maxx's favorite all time joke but it's one that should go down in the history books.

re-enjoy...


Maxx's all time favorite joke...

Dinner party for 8 - $250 ...

Wine for guests - $80...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there...

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...



Then...

In...

Walks...

The...

Dog...




in walks the dog


Hysterical Dog.gif
yes, he piddled a little when he saw this...



he actually piddles every time he even thinks about it...

18 December 2009

weekender...

Christmas Bird

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; 'Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

Chet now starts to sing 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'

groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

i agree...

it was cute...

and it was funny, but...

Chickent legs.gif

11 December 2009

weekender...

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.



i can't tell you the number of times this happened to me over the years. you really don't know whether to laugh or cry, actually.



Chickent legs.gif

27 November 2009

weekender...

annual festival that was held this past Wednesday. you just missed it...

i was having a surgical procedure so i couldn't make it. i'm about 15 miles from Huntley right now and i have been to the town before.




you can go up there and have a ball?

don't believe it's real? here is the mascot -

turkey testicle mascot


and here is the website - Turkey Testicle Festival


Hysterical Dog.gif
shut up, Maxx...
he's in hysterics because he said
i've had worse things in my mouth,
bitch...

20 November 2009

weekender...

if you're gonna party this weekend, just think how you look...


after 2 glasses of wine...
2 glasses of wine

or

after 6 beers...
6 BEERS

or

after 2 bottles of wine - shared of course...
2 bottles of wine - shared of courst

or

after too many margaritas...
too many margaritas

or

after 7 rum & cokes...
7 rum & cokes

or

after 3 kamikazes...
3 kamikazes

or

after 3 martinis...
3 martinis

or

after 1 large purple haze...
1 large purple haze



or


after 1 bottle of tequila...
and 1 bottle of tequila

... goes along with the old chant

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...




Hysterical Dog.gif
sure, he laughs now...
but i've seen Maxx on a Monday...
no laughing matter then.