and it may have to do with age, where i am enraged by so much i see.
it's different than the rage i felt when i was involved with anti-Vietnam or Civil Rights or other 'causes' youth gets fired up over. it may also have to do with the recent loss of one of the dearest & most important people in my life, but there is a distinct difference.
i am not just enraged. i am also disgusted, more cynical (if that is even possible for me), extremely sardonic, and feel like lashing out. the last is a huge change.
where is all this coming from?
i learned to control my temper when i was an adolescent as i realized that i, in fact every human, has the capacity to destroy someone physically and mentally. i attacked another kid because he kicked in the spokes of an all chrome-bicycle i had just received not 15 minutes before. they had to pull me off of him as i pounded his head into the pavement! i wasn't even aware i was doing it. that blew my pacifist cover, to say the least
then, if i am remembering correctly, in my senior Advanced English class in high school, Dr. E. gave us almost a year long personal project. we were to decide on a major focus on a topic that we would deal with through the use of literature.
there were a lot of ideas brainstormed by the class and individually, but it wasn't until i read Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert and Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin that something crystallized in my brain. though two very different books, and i realize i didn't completely understand Baldwin's book back then, i became fascinated by how one human being could treat or act badly toward another, given that we seemingly all have the same basic sense - humanity.
i phrased it into the topic: "Man's Inhumanity to Man".
though not a significantly unique topic, i have been engulfed with this 'quest' almost my entire life in one way or another, but i'm not sure i am any closer to understanding it. instead, the rage...
so what is going to happen next?
i realize that i have not made any entries to this blog in a long time. i also decided that maybe this could be the place that could act as an outlet for my frustrations, thoughts, and musings. perhaps this has been the point of the blog all along - no matter what... eschew obfuscation
as i looked back over previous posts, they all seem to have the flavor of "do you believe that?' or maybe 'disbelief'
so, i think i'm going to give it another shot and see what happens...