monday morning mayhem...

hope you all had a great weekend... i did. Saw a spectacular production of Handel's Giulio Cesare, hit an art auction and bought the Marcel Mouly I've had my eyes on, went to a lecture and met David Daniels, the star of the Giulio Cesare [more later on this], and had sushi with a friend at my favorite place. like i said, "great weekend." This week is going to be a killer, something every day, including working a couple of days, but we're going to see Jersey Boys on Tuesday.

So let's start the mayhem with laughter... What say you?

1. offended? who's offended?

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."
- A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

offended? don't forget what Bette MIdler says - F*** 'em, if they can't take a joke!"

2. great truths little kids have learned...

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

3. i can name that tune innnn... 1 ass...

can you?



you're gonna groan when you see the answer and hate yourself because it was so easy... [answer in the comments section]

4. it does pay to be kind and generous...

or does it?

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely, Edna

we can all just hope for opportunities like that...