25 June 2007

monday morning mayhem...

1. open season
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter at Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The trucker says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and shoots the man.

The truck driver, totally shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender says, "Not to worry. Nerds are over-populating the area and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The trucker finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back on the freeway still shaking his head. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and the computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming and grabbing up the computers.

They are all Microsoft programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened at the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol office comes zooming up and jumps out or the squad car screaming at him to stop.

The trucker says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season?"

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

2. they walk among us...
* I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Yes, they walk among us!

* While waiting for my order at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, they walk among us!

* At a McDonald's in Florida, I asked the clerk for a cup of coffee - half regular and half decaf.

She asked me which one I wanted on the bottom. She wasn't even blonde.

Yep, they do walk among us!

quick, look behind you. there may be one of them there....

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

...bet they left him alone?

4. when it's okay to say f***...

Bear of a golf game


WARNING: hold on to your lunch WITH this one:

Bread mouse

i tried to warn ya...

1 comment:

Wayne said...

Now those were some good jokes!
But that last pic....ewwwww!