two reasons - the Labor Day Weekend and I've been in bed for the last two days with the norovirus. not fun... I'd rather have food poisoning! though there is not much different except that the norovirus is much more violent. so I need some humor myself...
1. sven and ollie...
Ollie and Sven went for a ride one night with two beautiful young ladies.
An hour later as Ollie and Sven were trudging back to town on foot, Ollie remarked, "Next time ve tell some girls to "cooperate" or get out and valk... ve better make sure ve got our own car."
that can be a problem...
2. Final Exam
for those back in college this term...
At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.
As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written.... For 95 points..... Which tire? _________
got to get your stories straight...
3. i hate needles...
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.
"No Way ! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
4. modern words to live by...
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
and my favorite -
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
ain't that the truth?