yeah, i know, i'm in Honduras, but i couldn't pass this one up in case you're doing any lawn work around the house this weekend...
The Broken Lawn Mower
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Maxx didn't even say anything about this one. he doesn't want me to stop the lawn service i use.
he's no dummy - just a bit of a drunk...
31 July 2009
30 July 2009
if you're reading this at 5:45 am...
my flight just took off for Honduras.
a group of us from HEDAC, the charity of which i am treasurer, is on it's way to work for the next week with the schools we've adopted in Morazan. i have two loaded bags of shoes and clothes for the kids.
we will be painting the two new schools we just adopted and beginning our special project - School Gardens. now that the fences we built are finished they will be protected.
besides rehabbing the schools, we built kitchens in each of them. the government, sometimes, will send beans and rice to the schools and we thought that giving each of the schools the ability to support itself, in a sustainable way, would add not only to the nutrition of the kids, but also there is a lot of teaching and learning that can go along with it.
our pilot garden at Escuela Luis Landa is a big success. i've posted a couple of pictures below. the kids are doing all of the garden work themselves. it's really great.
i know there is a bit of a political problem, if you've been reading the news, but a couple of us are already down there and saying you wouldn't know there is a problem. we'll be in the north near San Pedro Sula and most of the problems are in the far south on the Nicaraguan border and there is no violence anywhere in the country.
i'll be out of touch since connectivity is not widespread in Honduras, but when i'm back, i'll post some pictures and information about the trip.
if you would like to help, click here - HEDAC - check out our website and make a donation. the kids really appreciate all the help you give.
thanks,
mike/
kids working in the garden...
kids weeding the garden
some of the vegetables of their work...
a group of us from HEDAC, the charity of which i am treasurer, is on it's way to work for the next week with the schools we've adopted in Morazan. i have two loaded bags of shoes and clothes for the kids.
we will be painting the two new schools we just adopted and beginning our special project - School Gardens. now that the fences we built are finished they will be protected.
besides rehabbing the schools, we built kitchens in each of them. the government, sometimes, will send beans and rice to the schools and we thought that giving each of the schools the ability to support itself, in a sustainable way, would add not only to the nutrition of the kids, but also there is a lot of teaching and learning that can go along with it.
our pilot garden at Escuela Luis Landa is a big success. i've posted a couple of pictures below. the kids are doing all of the garden work themselves. it's really great.
i know there is a bit of a political problem, if you've been reading the news, but a couple of us are already down there and saying you wouldn't know there is a problem. we'll be in the north near San Pedro Sula and most of the problems are in the far south on the Nicaraguan border and there is no violence anywhere in the country.
i'll be out of touch since connectivity is not widespread in Honduras, but when i'm back, i'll post some pictures and information about the trip.
if you would like to help, click here - HEDAC - check out our website and make a donation. the kids really appreciate all the help you give.
thanks,
mike/
kids working in the garden...
kids weeding the garden
some of the vegetables of their work...
27 July 2009
monday morning mayhem...
corporate headhunters?
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked INCREASE in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
keep a closer eye out in the cafeteria at work... especially if you're in management.
retirement planning...
*From The London Times:
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant carrying a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches A£5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!
And no one even knows his name!
i wonder what the Repubs would say about this private retirement plan?
wait, this is the one they have for themselves...
i wonder this too...
i was Downtown across from Millenium Park in Chicago at a friend's this week. i was there to help with her computer and she lives across the street from the park. people were all over the place, stopped illegally on Michigan Avenue, crossing the street anywhere they wanted, lots of traffic.... it was a mess. the stupidity of the people was beyond belief. most were putting their children in danger. i always told the kids that in a fight between a human and a car, the car always wins. i imagine all these idiots stress safety to their children and then put them in danger.
when i saw Maxine's question i knew she was speaking directly about these people and to me...
interesting little known fact...
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
i've only known Maxx
to breath OUT!
you don't ever want to be there.
trust me...
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked INCREASE in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
keep a closer eye out in the cafeteria at work... especially if you're in management.
retirement planning...
*From The London Times:
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant carrying a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches A£5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Err... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!
And no one even knows his name!
i wonder what the Repubs would say about this private retirement plan?
wait, this is the one they have for themselves...
i wonder this too...
i was Downtown across from Millenium Park in Chicago at a friend's this week. i was there to help with her computer and she lives across the street from the park. people were all over the place, stopped illegally on Michigan Avenue, crossing the street anywhere they wanted, lots of traffic.... it was a mess. the stupidity of the people was beyond belief. most were putting their children in danger. i always told the kids that in a fight between a human and a car, the car always wins. i imagine all these idiots stress safety to their children and then put them in danger.
when i saw Maxine's question i knew she was speaking directly about these people and to me...
interesting little known fact...
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
i've only known Maxx
to breath OUT!
you don't ever want to be there.
trust me...
26 July 2009
the devil, you say?
Crooks and Liars had this photo-op of Michelle Bachmann [R-MN] who may not only be the nuttiest congressperson in the country but possibly in the entire country, if not the whole world.
scary...
after hearing what comes out of her mouth about the government and our country's history, i wonder how she was able to pass a required Constitution test to graduate from elementary school, high school and college.
maybe it's not a requirement in Minnesota? i'll have to ask my friend who's from the state.
in Illinois you have to pass a Constitution test at all three levels to graduate.
scary...
after hearing what comes out of her mouth about the government and our country's history, i wonder how she was able to pass a required Constitution test to graduate from elementary school, high school and college.
maybe it's not a requirement in Minnesota? i'll have to ask my friend who's from the state.
in Illinois you have to pass a Constitution test at all three levels to graduate.
21 July 2009
word for the day...
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common..
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
17 July 2009
weekender...
if you're going out this weekend, pay attention to all signs. it might just save you...
and if you're going to see the dancers - don't forget to tip...
sorry, that one is now permanently etched in your brain and you can never get away from it. it will pop up when you least expect it. you might even have dreams about it... or nightmares.
Maxx prefers things
that he doesn't have to read.
it explains a lot...
and if you're going to see the dancers - don't forget to tip...
sorry, that one is now permanently etched in your brain and you can never get away from it. it will pop up when you least expect it. you might even have dreams about it... or nightmares.
Maxx prefers things
that he doesn't have to read.
it explains a lot...
12 July 2009
you know those pesky email requests from foreign countries...
you know. the ones that are scams to get your credit cards, personal information, etc?
well, this is the one i just received and it's a beaut!
i'm not sure i should delete this one. whatta you'll think?
well, this is the one i just received and it's a beaut!
Dear Friends,
My name is Ndugood. I am a wealthy Nigerian prince who loves the jazz of music.
I am seeking your help to move $200,000,000 from my checking account here in Nigeria to the United States.
I too love the jazz of music and am planning to flee to America to open many jazz clubs at which I would like you to perform.
You will receive $42,000 a night, plus a meal. My new "Tribal Village Vanguard" clubs will be of great success and you will become rich like the rest of American jazz musicians.
I have already applied for building exemptions to allow thatched stages and the spearing of live animals. But I desperately need your help.
My tribe, the Swindlisi, a peaceful jazz-loving people, has been horribly oppressed by the ruling military junta, which despises the jazz of music.
My father, an exiled king and booking agent, was recently imprisoned under the Draconian "three gigs - you're out" law, and now I must flee my beloved country with all of my improbable wealth - But I need help in moving it.
I have so much money that it will not fit in the allotted two checked bags and one carry-on.
I am therefore want to transfer the money through your ATM system (The Nigerian ATM system cannot exchange international currencies; it only converts "Antelope To Money").
So please to just provide me with your full name and address, social security
number, bank account and PIN numbers, and you will become incredibly (literally) rich from playing many jazz gigs.
(Note: normal Nigerian Musician's Union rules apply: three hour performances, two 15 minute breaks allowed, musicians to provide their own mosquito nets, one open fire per bandstand, one free meal plus anything you kill).
Act now. The first ten musicians to respond will receive a free copy of the Nigeria's Greatest Jazz Hits CD, by our beloved 'Disoriented' Gillespie Band, which contains the hits:
- The Night Has A Thousand Flies
- Goodbye Shrunken Head
- Here's That Rainy Season
- Just Tribesmen (Lovers No More)
- Take the 'A' Trail
- When I Fall In Quicksand
- Half-Nelson Mandella
- Blue Monkey
- Leopard Skins and Moonbeams
- Blue Mombossa
- Almost Like Being In Lagos
- Sunny Side of the Goatpath
- I Didn't Know What Century It Was
- Swahili Swahili Swahilo
- Thank you for your many help.
Your inordinately wealthy Nigerian brother...
Prince Ndugood
i'm not sure i should delete this one. whatta you'll think?
10 July 2009
weekender...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermons, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to the rectory after mass, he found the following note on the door:
i would bet that the members of the parish were listening better than they ever have in the past...
like Maxx goes to church...
he worships Queen Victoria.
her picture is on the label of
Bombay Sapphire!
After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermons, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to the rectory after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Father -
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 apostles, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock he was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
- The recommended grace before meals is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub. Yay, God!"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
Thank you,
Monsignor
i would bet that the members of the parish were listening better than they ever have in the past...
like Maxx goes to church...
he worships Queen Victoria.
her picture is on the label of
Bombay Sapphire!
09 July 2009
what has Obama's election wrought?
i realize it's been quite a while since i've done any serious posting. other things have been on the agenda. like, i'm supposed to be in Honduras right now working with some of the schools. needless to say, we've had to reschedule because of the political unrest down there. we're now going at the end of the month. [fingers crossed]
that's part of what actually prompted this question about Obama.
i've been watching the upheaval in Honduras very closely, monitoring the newspapers and radio down there daily.
next, we've seen the ongoing drama in Iran. today, the battling has begun again on the streets. violence has erupted again.
then, the Chinese are cracking down on the Uighars and are fighting daily.
and, in Malaysia the people are up in arms because the government wants to put a ban on teaching math and science in English. they believe that will put them behind the rest of the world.
there are a few underlying signs in Venezuela with the mayor of Caracas on a hunger strike against Chavez and he has threatened to close down over 240 radio stations because of their content.
i can't even get into things going on in the U.S., but there does seem to be an underlying tension and a lot of it is not just the economic situation. that is just appearing to be a symptom.
the country appears to be undergoing a crisis in its anima. many people are questioning what has happened, how we got here and what comes next. some of us are even asking, "is it worth it?"
other areas of unrest in the world keep popping up too.
from what i've been observing, there is one thing that they all have in common. the unrest is coming from the people of each country.
is there something in the recent election of Obama that is in some way working on the conscience of the world?
it's something to think about.
and i'm just asking...
that's part of what actually prompted this question about Obama.
i've been watching the upheaval in Honduras very closely, monitoring the newspapers and radio down there daily.
next, we've seen the ongoing drama in Iran. today, the battling has begun again on the streets. violence has erupted again.
then, the Chinese are cracking down on the Uighars and are fighting daily.
and, in Malaysia the people are up in arms because the government wants to put a ban on teaching math and science in English. they believe that will put them behind the rest of the world.
there are a few underlying signs in Venezuela with the mayor of Caracas on a hunger strike against Chavez and he has threatened to close down over 240 radio stations because of their content.
i can't even get into things going on in the U.S., but there does seem to be an underlying tension and a lot of it is not just the economic situation. that is just appearing to be a symptom.
the country appears to be undergoing a crisis in its anima. many people are questioning what has happened, how we got here and what comes next. some of us are even asking, "is it worth it?"
other areas of unrest in the world keep popping up too.
from what i've been observing, there is one thing that they all have in common. the unrest is coming from the people of each country.
is there something in the recent election of Obama that is in some way working on the conscience of the world?
it's something to think about.
and i'm just asking...
08 July 2009
What is so unique about July 8th this year?
At exactly five minutes and six seconds after 4:00 am it will be
04:05:06 07/08/09
This will never happen again in our life time.
06 July 2009
monday morning mayhem...
all audio/visual this week. no thinking after the looonnnngggggg holiday weekend. we were drinking Prosecco...
calling tech support...
shoulda bought a Mac...
i saw the neurosurgeon Friday...
good news and bad news:
amazing talent contestant...
were you able to close your mouth while watching that?
betya didn't see this at the ballpark over the weekend...
i don't think it's one of Maxx's relatives.
I KNOW!!!
calling tech support...
shoulda bought a Mac...
i saw the neurosurgeon Friday...
good news and bad news:
amazing talent contestant...
were you able to close your mouth while watching that?
betya didn't see this at the ballpark over the weekend...
i don't think it's one of Maxx's relatives.
I KNOW!!!
03 July 2009
not a Bugatti Veyron...
and it hasn't actually stolen my heart away from the Veyron, but when i first saw this picture i actually had to gasp and take a deep breath...
2010 Pagani Cinque Roadster
check out the full story over at AutoBlog - Droolworthy: Pagani rips the lid off its Cinque for new Roadster model
i drooled after i caught my breath.
oh, and it's cheaper than the Bugatti Veyron. it's only $1.3 million. the Veyron starts at $1.6 million!
2010 Pagani Cinque Roadster
check out the full story over at AutoBlog - Droolworthy: Pagani rips the lid off its Cinque for new Roadster model
i drooled after i caught my breath.
oh, and it's cheaper than the Bugatti Veyron. it's only $1.3 million. the Veyron starts at $1.6 million!
weekender...
before you take the kids to church on Sunday, you may want to think about these angelic antics first...
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"
The Preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cords as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before he jerked it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose will he hurt us?"
Six year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church!" "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike?" "You're both old, " he replied
A ten year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife!"
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us for our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets!"
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!!!"
and the absolute best for last...
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
______________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"
____________________________________________________________
The Preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cords as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before he jerked it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose will he hurt us?"
____________________________________________________________
Six year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church!" "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"
_______________________________________________________________
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike?" "You're both old, " he replied
_______________________________________________________________
A ten year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
_____________________________________________________________
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife!"
_______________________________________________________________
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us for our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets!"
______________________________________________________________
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!!!"
____________________________________________________________
and the absolute best for last...
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
______________________________________________________________
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