Frank & Ernest get it right...

how long have i been saying this? i've hardly done any posts on the election in a long time. it is so old, and the...

oh, forget about it.

thank you Frank & Ernest!

monday morning mayhem...

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGE MEN....

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...THIS IS THE ONE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!


Thought For the Day: If only men would listen!...

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.


is this one of the other things our mothers told us?


a question...


If someone threatens to kill himself and he has multiple personalities, is that considered a hostage situation?


just asking...


may the week go by as fast as you want it to...

weekender...

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your weekend...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...











He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.'

If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.


(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer) .

great line...

i can't tell you the circumstances because it wasn't about me or my family, but a friend's, but i heard one of the greatest lines ever after a family blowout:

"Family. You can't live with them
and you can't kill them."

i can identify with it, as i'm sure most everyone can. there are just those moments when you just want to wring their necks and wonder, "How in the hell was I produced from these people?"

but we love them,


for the most part...



from Simpson Crazy

Sophia, Sophia, Ma...

no comment; just laughs...

maybe, there is a god?

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


this is the first logical explanation that i have ever heard.


well, except, remember i have a "Get out of hell, Free Card".

hmmm...

i guess i will have to reconsider my position...

after the previous post...

i couldn't pass this one up...




everything is so much clearer now...

i think i understand...

wait!

that's scary...

not much has really changed...

when it comes to the new FISA bill. check this out from 1970 -




see, that little black FBI book still works...

should we be more concerned about the bushies knowing more about us?

just asking...


i just remembered something. there was a piece in the news about Cher getting married again last week. CHER REP LAUGHS OFF RUMORS OF SECRET VEGAS WEDDING.

what more proof do we need that nothing has really changed?

monday morning mayhem...

got a living will?

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


sadly, this is not a joke...

"Iraqi officials say they approved plans for five-star hotel in Baghdad"

By Associated Press
6:05 AM CDT, July 19, 2008
BAGHDAD (AP) _ Iraqi officials say they have approved plans to build a five-star hotel in the Baghdad's heavily guarded Green Zone.

Iraq's National Investment Commission says land for the project is being leased by the Summit Global Group, a U.S.-based investment company.

Robert Kelley, head of Summit Global, says the 300-room hotel will cost $100 million. He says American and Iraqi investors are involved in the project, but he did not name them.

At a groundbreaking ceremony on Saturday, Kelley said construction would begin soon, but he did not specify a date.Iraqi government offices and American diplomatic and military facilities are inside the Green Zone, also known as the International Zone.


my friend, Jim, has done an outline for the ad campaign though:

Advertisement:

All our suites have the latest in comforts for our guests: blastproof windows, Kevlar bathrobes and a mini-bar with enough top shelf rations to outlast a 5 day siege.

Come! Join us for cocktails in the famous Bunker Room.

The Suites of Green Zone – another “W” hotel.


it took me a minute to catch on to the "W" reference...


and the work line to use for the week...

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-- Mark Twain

it'a only four days until Friday...

weekender...

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How ! about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years!!? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I'm doing it as a public service.



don't worry about it until Monday...

political karaoke...

everybody sing along...

Send a JibJab Sendables® eCard Today!

these guys are great. if you haven't seen their website go here: Jibjab

this is one reason for not many posts lately...

I'm intense on three big projects right now, and they are taking a lot of time.

I'm doing a two-day workshop Aug. 4-5 that takes a lot of planning. As a matter of fact, I discovered long ago that a 6-hour workshop usually takes between 48-60 hours of planning and you can't do it all at once. With this one being two six-hour days, that means 96-120 hours of work. It's one reason I'm so expensive when I do this kind of work.

A friend has a recital of his music coming up two weeks later (Aug. 17th) and I volunteered to do the publicity, press, and program for it. He's premiering a one-act opera-in-progress for the first half of the program that is really exciting.

It's an opera of Saki's (H.H. Munro) short story Sredni Vashtar. If you've never read it, you're missing a treat. It's barely three typed written pages in length and has so much symbolism in it about the changing of the guard between Victorian & Edwardian England and the struggles of being a colonial power beginning the slide from its zenith. You can find the complete short story here.

I'll be posting information about the concert closer to the date. It's in Ganz Hall at Roosevelt University in Chicago, if you're from around here. Oh, it's also gratis, though we do ask for a goodwill donation for the singers who give of their time and effort.

And, of course, the third thing is my work with H.E.D.A.C. I was recently voted onto the Board of Directors and elected secretary. We are in the planning right now for our big Annual Fundraiser in September. Also, 12 of the communities down in Honduras are in the midst of building the fences around their schools with money that has been donated. Fences are needed to keep the animals out, and I don't mean wild animals. I mean the goats and chickens and cows. See, it is very different in other parts of the world.

oh, yeah, as a result of this, i've started learning Spanish. ¡Hola!

Yes... here comes the pitch...

if you look on the right-hand side of the site or click on the link above, check out H.E.D.A.C.'s website and dig into your pockets. The kids will be very happy to accept your help through a donation. You can send a check or use Paypal. The only thing I ask is that you include my name (Mike) on the check or donation. We have to keep track of donation sources for accounting purposes, as I'm sure you know.

wow! this was a long post to tell you why i haven't been posting as much lately...

Hasta luego...

monday morning mayhem...

well, it's back to work after a wonderful weekend. here's two photos to make you think about making mistakes at work that will put your work hassles in a better perspective and two photos that you might want to keep in mind if you find yourself on, well, on the dole...

*************************








see.... things can be worse and you can still feel better!

iPhone madness...

No, I'm not talking about all of the people who stood in line for the new 3G version, nor the problems with activation on the first day of sales, nor the update problems with the previous versions.

I'm talking about all the headlines in most all major news sources - papers, television, and radio - that focused on the fact that there were problems.

It happens every time Apple has problems with a new product of any kind. It's made into BIG news, as if it's spelling out the death of the brand.

Think! how many times do you hear about snafus by Microsoft? Hardly ever, compared to the vast amount of problems they seem to have on a daily basis. Do they consistently make the headlines?

No.

Does Microsoft's stock tank a bit each time?

No.

Does it take days or weeks for Microsoft to fix the problem?

Yes. In the case of Vista, it's still not fixed almost three years later.

Apple fixed all the problems by the afternoon yesterday. After trying around noon, I had version 2.0 of the software completely installed and working by 5:00 pm.

I've gone through this Apple scenario for, well, my first Apple was a II so you can imagine how long it's been.

As far as the stock, it went down $4.05 yesterday, but so did most other stocks. Some media said it went down because of the problems. Hell, I've watched the stock go down when they come out with a brand new, phenomenal product. It's Apple! People have this mindset that it is a toy company. If it weren't for Apple, think about this, there would be no Microsoft. Mr. Gates borrowed the whole idea.

Also, as far as the stock, I bought it at $17 and some change years ago. Even though it went down $4.05 yesterday, ending at $172.58 for the day, my investment has a increased 1000%!

Hello!!! buy an iPhone. Please...




my retirement funding needs a little help more help...

quick F.I.S.A. challenge

I predicted in my post F.I.S.A. bill passed..., on Wednesday that as I wrote the post someone was preparing to take it to court.

heads up...

ACLU Sues Over Unconstitutional Dragnet Wiretapping Law

You can read the entire post at the ACLU website by clicking above, but here are a couple of highlights.

NEW YORK - The American Civil Liberties Union filed a landmark lawsuit today to stop the government from conducting surveillance under a new wiretapping law that gives the Bush administration virtually unchecked power to intercept Americans' international e-mails and telephone calls. The case was filed on behalf of a broad coalition of attorneys and human rights, labor, legal and media organizations whose ability to perform their work - which relies on confidential communications - will be greatly compromised by the new law.

The main point:

Spying on Americans without warrants or judicial approval is an abuse of government power - and that's exactly what this law allows. The ACLU will not sit by and let this evisceration of the Fourth Amendment go unchallenged," said ACLU Executive Director Anthony D. Romero. "Electronic surveillance must be conducted in a constitutional manner that affords the greatest possible protection for individual privacy and free speech rights. The new wiretapping law fails to provide fundamental safeguards that the Constitution unambiguously requires."

hmmm, let's see...

This means that someone in some officious [notice i didn't say official] government office or Comcast Cable cubicle may be reading this right now and notating that I am writing something that they may determine is a threat to the country's security and forwarding this to who know what other officious office or cubicle.

Oh, and they also know that you are reading this right now; so, they have just sent your IP Address along with the report or opened another report/file all about you.

SURPRISE!!!

Well, you might say, "This is all for national security."

I ask. How are you or I a threat to national security? And, what about the officious person in that officious office or cubicle who now has information on us? Who will/can guarantee that they will not use anything that they determined to be information for spurious reasons of their or the government's design? This law eviscerates the 4th Amendment.

see...

be careful, if you are a Jehovah Witness, Black, American gueer you do have a lot to worry about whether you are going to Montenegro or staying in Chattanooga...

as F.I.S.A. crosses borders...

The United States is negotiating deals with European countries to exchange fingerprint and DNA data in criminal and terrorist cases, and in some circumstances to transfer data on race or ethnic origin, political and religious beliefs, or sexual orientation.

Such agreements are a condition for granting citizens of newer European Union member states the right to enter the United States without visas, and for maintaining that right for older E.U. members. U.S. citizens already enjoy such a right when traveling to Europe.

U.S. Seeks Data Exchange, The Washington Post, 8 July 2008

all in the name of Homeland Security, of course.

when's the last time you heard of a Jehovah Witness, Black, Montengran gueer strap a bomb around his middle and get onto a Unite Airlines 777 and fly to the United States?

or...

when's the last time you ever heard of a Jehovah Witness, Black, American gueer get on a plane and fly to Montengro with a bomb strapped around his middle?

you see it's going to go both ways. they can tell the U.S. who is a Jehovah Witness, Black, Montengran gueer and we can tell them who is Jehovah Witness, Black, American gueer.

what is wrong with this picture?

just asking...

weekender...

Now... where is that damn duck????


the gecko drives me nuts, especially, since the vast majority of geckos are from the Pacific Ocean and almost ALL are females, reproducing asexually except for every 5th or 6th generation when they produce a few males in order for the genetic line to add variance and adaptability.

i LIKE the Aflac duck though. he reminds of someone i know...


hey, you worked hard this week. catch something fun... go out to eat... have a glass of gin!

F.I.S.A. bill passed...

Anyone with any sense of the news was aware it would happen. What was surprising to me is the vote was 69 - 28 with 3 not voting: Sessions, Kennedy and McCain. (Maybe, I shouldn't have been so surprised.)

Living in Illinois, it was a split decision. Senator Durbin was one of the 28 voting Nay. Senator Obama was part of the 69 voting Yea. Since there is no such thing as a present vote in the U.S. Senate, he only had one other choice: the not voting one.

You can go to the U.S. Senate website to see how your Senators voted: On Passage of the Bill (H.R. 6304)



you all don't know how difficult it has been for me over the last couple of weeks, listening to the parsing that has been happening in the Obama campaign, to bite my tongue and not say, "I told you so."

trust me, this is just the beginning...

one of the hopes regarding the F.I.S.A. bill is, as you read this, someone is already making the move to have it in court the minute the Tsar signs it into law. so far, even his own Republican federal judges have held against him on things like this.

we'll see...



i'm sorry, i forgot to mention that Hillary was also one of the 28 voting Nay, as was Majority Leader Sen. Reid!

the best lawn tractor...

Yep, it's a Porsche!

Found it over on Autoblog.com (one, if not the, favorite blogs i peruse daily) and instantly thought of my friend, Ed. He just retired from teaching high school, lives in one of the top suburbs in Chicagoland, and has at least an acre of land.

Sent it to him, but I haven't gotten a response yet. I did send a copy to his son, and this was his reply:

Dad i see a good retirement gift for yourself. The wheel might not fall off every other year.

oops!

it's not a Bugatti, but Ed's tastes are much simpler than mine...

fun website...

someone sent me a link to a website called youniverse.com

it's a site that gives you a profile of yourself as a visual DNA. There are different categories like mind, personality, love, travel, etc. and what you do is answer or complete questions/thoughts by choosing one of 15 pictures in a set. at the end, it gives you a little write-up about what your picture choices say about you. it was fun.

below are my results for the nine areas. i can agree with most of them. there is one i don't and i'll tell you after you read them.

1. Party: WANNABE VIP
2. Mind: THE REFORMER
3. Light My Fire: TENDER
4. Dating: FEARLESS FLIRT
5. Personality: GO GETTER
6. Love: WISTFUL SOUL
7. Travel: LUXURY ESCAPISTS
8. Well-Being: COUCH POTATO
9. Election Fever: HILARYITE

the one i don't agree with is Well-Being. though i can be a couch potato, like anyone else, lately, i've been more like a slug because of the back problem and surgery i had. i have no patience with being sick. with others? no problem. for me? i'm not a good sick person...

the rest of the categories? well, not all the time...

one must be coy from time to time.

i dare you...

to NOT smile at some point while watching the newest "Where the hell is Matt (2008)" video:






Even today's New York Times has an article about the phenomenon of the newest video - A Private Dance? Four Million Web Fans Say No. It has been viewed over 4,000,000 times in just three weeks. The original has over 10,000,000 hits!

when hope is gone, life is over goes the Hopi Native American adage.

there is still hope...

monday morning mayhem...

the way to achieve inner peace

We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

Therefore, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and had not finished before leaving the house this morning.

In quick order, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

A LESSON IN FINANCES

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, ¡You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.


i want these for the back of my car...










one of the next two is my favorite, but i can't decide which one. can you?







hope your week is great...

and don't forget to start again...

pure genius?

or just plain silly?

Every once in a while....
In life........
You run into a genius with a true talent!!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now , as I have to work in the morning.


hope you're having a smart but safe 4th... i'm on my way up to the swollen Fox River for the day.

unbelievable...

doesn't help all those conspiracy theorists who say a rocket, not a plane, hit the Pentagon in 2001...


i've always found conspiracy theories a bit daunting.

first, i don't think everyone can keep there mouth's closed if they're part of a conspiracy. second, i don't believe that there is a group of people smart enough to pull off some of the wild, intricate conspiracies we've read about over the years. people are just not that careful by nature.

"oh, yeah?" you might ask. "what about 9/11? those guys pulled it off."

in hindsight from the investigations, there were lots of signs that they weren't that bright. of course, there were also a lot of signs that neither was our government for not seeing the signs or heeding the warnings of a few people who pointed out those signs, or to the Clinton administration who said, "this is going to happen. be careful."

duh... proves my original point...


and reminds me of a joke...

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work."

weekender...

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.






I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,




Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.









My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I ca n s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore ! anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN nikname Beefy

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

















Employer's response:...

Dear Beefy... I mean Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.




See you Monday


in the meantime...

have a great 4th! enjoy the extended weekend...

right-wingnuts may be, umm, right...

from today's Chicago Sun-Times:

North Carolina Democrat accused of satanic rituals — husband charged with rape

URHAM, N.C. -- Durham County Democratic Party officials are shocked about allegations that a local Democratic leader was involved in satanic rituals that included shackling people to beds, caging them, and depriving them of food and water.

Joy Johnson, 30, a third vice chairwoman of the county Democratic party and vice chairwoman of the Young Democrats, was charged Friday with two counts of aiding and abetting.

wait! a question...

can satanic worshipers/religions qualify for faith-based governmental initiatives?

just asking...

i don't understand why they're so surprised...

Arianna Huffington: Memo to Obama: Moving to the Middle is for Losers

Last Friday afternoon, the guests taking part in Sunday's roundtable discussion on This Week had a pre-show call with George Stephanopoulos. One of the topics he raised was Obama's perceived move to the center, and what it means. Thus began my weekend obsession. If you were within shouting distance of me, odds are we talked about it. I talked about it over lunch with HuffPost's DC team, over dinner with friends, with the doorman at the hotel, and the driver on the way to the airport.

duh...

She's been obsessing. She's surprised. She maybe feels betrayed.

AND why wasn't she listening when a lot of us were saying, "Don't put too much faith and trust in the man. He's known for being flexible!"

Like I said in the past, I worked for his election in Illinois; I supported him for the Senate; and I did it with trepidation knowing his means of decision making and position-taking.

and every time he was merely present...

i never thought i would ever think of myself as a possible swing voter. People may not vote for McCain, but they just might not vote at all or vote for the Libertarian Bob Barr...

or worse...