monday morning mayhem...

1. internet truth...

2. Funky Gizzardhump

MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor...


Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.

So:


1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle

b = doombah

c = goober

d = cheesey

e = crusty

f = greasy

g = dumbo

h = farcus

i = dorky

j = doofus

k = funky

l = boobie

m = sleezy

n = sloopy

o = fluffy

p = stinky

q = slimy

r = dorfus

s = snooty

t = tootsie

u = dipsy

v = sneezy

w = liver

x = skippy

y = dinky

z = zippy


2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin

b = feather

c = batty

d = burger

e = chicken

f = barffy

g = lizard

h = waffle

i = farkle

j = monkey

k = flippin

l = fricken

m = bubble

n = rhino

o = potty

p = hamster

q = buckle

r = gizzard

s = lickin

t = snickle

u = chuckle

v = pickle

w = hubble

x = dingle

y = gorilla

z = girdle


3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt

b = boob

c = face

d = nose

e = hump

f = breath

g = pants

h = shorts

i = lips

j = honker

k = head

l = tush

m = chunks

n = dunkin

o = brains

p = biscuits

q = toes

r = doodle

s = fanny

t = sniffer

u = sprinkles

v = frack

w = squirt

x = humperdinck

y = hiney

z = juice


Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now COPY & SEND THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS ...use your new name as the subject.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

3. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

4. too ill...

a true conservative...

The true conservative of the Republican Party has to be Bary Goldwater. He personified all of the tenets of conservativism, especially those of economics and states' rights. He also kept things in perspective when it came to personal freedoms and duty.

For example, on the banning of gays in the military:

"Well, that's just stupid."

General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, on the other hand has a different opinion:

In the newspaper interview, Pace said that while he supports the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy allowing gays to serve in the military, he believes that “homosexual acts between individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts.”

“I do not believe that the armed forces of the United States are well served by saying through our policies that it’s OK to be immoral in any way,” he said.

What about the immorality of the conflagration in Iraq? The discharge of men and women who are the sorely needed translators of Arabic because they are LGBT? The lies that got the US into the mess it is in right now?

If you are going to talk about immorality, General, talk about hypocrisy as well. Or to repeat the words of Barry Goldwater one more time:

"Well, that's just stupid."

got that right...

Iraq anniversary...

Today is the 5th anniversary [should we actually be celebrating an anniverary concerning this?] of the shock and awe beginning of the conflagration in Iraq. I think the true shock and awe is that it is still going on today, and the expense has been too great in both money and manpower wasted. This has turned into a greater quagmire than Vietnam with the major difference being its basis on the religious - christian, sunni, shia - versus ideology - communism & democracy. Though some may say there is very little different with the underlying arguments of both.

cruisin'...

the ship...



the scenery...



the surprise...



the disco t-dance



the beach ball...



the best comments...

- You all really know how to have a good time.

- You guys drink a lot. We sell more booze in the first two days of this cruise than we do on an entire regular cruise!

- Weren't you wearing pants when we left San Juan?

the end...


[no, it's not me. i wish i could look this good. i wish i ever looked this good.]

Atlantis knows how to throw a party. I had a ball...

and so did 2000 other guys...

nowhere to be found...

i'm in the middle of the caribbean sea right now on a ship headed for aruba! have already been to san juan, st martin, st kitts. after aruba then to curacao. temp is 87 degrees - a far cry from the 25 when i left chicago last saturday. two guys just walked by wearing pink and yellow afros and platform shoes! i need to get on deck for the classic disco t-dance..................................

wouldn't you rather be here?

just asking.

[pictures will have to wait until after i return.]

really, really tough IQ test...

or it may be a test for dementia:

Only takes a couple of minutes !


INSTRUCTIONS

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!

(scroll down)
[no cheating by scrolling ahead...]













First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?







[remember, no cheating by scrolling ahead...]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~












Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?



Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are ______________? (scroll down)

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?






(You're not very good at this, are you?)






Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~













Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!



Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right...

....Maybe



Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is MARY.
Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus question. This one may just save you:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
















He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... He's BLIND not MUTE!

just like you!

don't feel too bad. i only got the last one correct and that was because i had heard it before.

monday morning mayhem...

[a bit early, because I'm leaving early Saturday morning on a cruise...]

1. modern education...

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
You could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I Asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the Teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order half Dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I Shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. check this out...

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3.computers make the world a better place...

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" [Think she was blond?]

4. suffer the little chldren...

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

half a surge...

Stephen Colbert gets it right with THE W∅RD. There is no comment that could say it better than this -



no wonder bush is loosing, and he doesn't even know it...

Impeach the bastard!

if today is your birthday...

The Chicago Sun-Times carries two, count 'em, two astrologers - Georgia Nicols and Holiday Mathis (no relation to Johnnie). Besides the daily horoscope for each sun sign they also do a thing called IF MARCH 8 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY and it is, mine that is. Birthday...

Here are the two in the paper today:

Georgia Nichols

Hockey player Larry Murphy (1961) shares your birthday today. You're a traditionalist, yet you insist on doing things your own way. Because you have a great zest for life, you're not afraid to take on major (sometimes daunting) projects. Others easily like you. You often choose a role in life and play it to the hilt. In the year ahead, you will focus on your closest partnerships and friendships.

Holiday Mathis

Once you set your intention, nothing stands in your way. Or, things do stand in your way, but you're flying over them on the wings of your determination. What happens in March lights a fire in you. Projects in May are the springboard for your next adventure. Your connections with Scorpio and Cancer people are fun and games. Lucky numbers are 30, 6, 11, 32 and 14.

Now, I do read the horoscopes every day. It's a habit. It's harmless. It's really not anything different than saying prayers or meditating or playing the lotto. They're all equally spiritual in nature and sources of amusement and become habits - good or bad.

Any way, as far as the two IF MARCH 8 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY entries today, sometimes horoscopes can not just be amusing but also scarily semi-accurate. Not the prediction parts, but the descriptors. I do have a zest for life (if I didn't I'd be dead!); I am fairly traditional (coming from an Italian family you can't help it); I do absolutely insist on doing things my way (though I compromise diplomatically very often.) ; I took on a major project beginning today - retirement; everybody likes me (for the life of me I don't know why!); I am more than determined - I can be down-right obstinate once I set my mind to something (I can drive even me nuts most of the time) ; and I don't know who the hell Larry Murphy is! (I would rather they say that I share the same birthday as Lynn Redgrave, Ruggiero Leoncavallo, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, or even that Millard Fillmore died on March 8, 1874.)

Oh, well. I realize that the statements that are made in horoscopes are very generic. You probably have the same characteristics and you may have been born on December 26th!

As I said, though, horoscopes are fun. Just like anything else, you take in what is meaningful and throw out the rest. One thing I've been meaning to do is to reread them at the end of the day to see if anything came true, but I'm always too tired to remember and would it even make a difference?

do you know where your stars are today?

just asking...

There's a party goin' on right here...

A celebration to last throughout the years
So bring your good times, and your laughter too
We gonna celebrate your party with you

Come on now

Celebration
Let's all celebrate and have a good time
Celebration
We gonna celebrate and have a good time

what are we celebrating?

my last day at work!

i'm retiring today...

$1.5 million...

accident!

I've posted about the Bugatti Veyron before. It is the world's most expensive car. It has 16 cylinders. It reaches speeds in excess of 250 mph. It is entirely hand made. It is near perfection as far as autos go.

Here is a picture of a $1.5 million accident. That's how much the Veyron costs. Soon we're probably going to find out how much it costs to fix...



wanna bet the guy didn't have insurance?

ouch...

you can't have it all ways at the same time...

Albert Mohler writes some wingnuttery entitiled "Is Your Baby Gay? What If You Could Know? What If You Could Do Something About It?" in his latest wisdom-filled post dealing with IF sexual orientation were genetically determined rather than sinful choice, what would people do. I have to admit that there are a couple of viable arguments he poses but he looses me with the basis for his entire point when he deals with the underlying reasoning behind the christianist stand:

Christians must be very careful not to claim that science can never prove a biological basis for sexual orientation. We can and must insist that no scientific finding can change the basic sinfulness of all homosexual behavior. The general trend of the research points to at least some biological factors behind sexual attraction, gender identity, and sexual orientation. This does not alter God's moral verdict on homosexual sin (or heterosexual sin, for that matter), but it does hold some promise that a deeper knowledge of homosexuality and its cause will allow for more effective ministries to those who struggle with this particular pattern of temptation. If such knowledge should ever be discovered, we should embrace it and use it for the greater good of humanity and for the greater glory of God.

let me get this straight [pun intended] God has a moral verdict? Does this mean that god is moral or created morals? In the argument above, is it saying that god erred in some way because his moral created something to which he is opposed? Or did he change his mind afterward? And, even if it is proven that genetics has a role in sexual orientation, god still meant it to be sinful and no one can accept the truth in this area?

i'm confused.

If this is the case, since god created all things, he either a) erred in his creation or b) meant it to be the way it is and c) does not want anyone to believe in a) or b). [we already know that christianists don't believe in science, so that's not an option.]

what is it? who are we supposed to believe? with either scenario the wingnuts have some explaining to do.

don't they?

blog this...

It's interesting how the MSM is so on top of what's going on in the world.

All of a sudden they are reporting on the replacement (firing) of US attorneys across the country and showing indignation at its happening.

Sen. Feinstein first brought it to the country's attention at least three weeks ago. It's been on Americablog.com, Crooks & Liars, Pam's House Blend, the Raw Story, the Daily Dish. Hell, even I posted about it at least two weeks ago.

I've noticed how things appear on the blogosphere almost instanteously and it takes weeks, literally, to make it into the MSM. What's more interesting is that all of the MSM now has an on-line presence and their own blogs but you're wont to find more immediate coverage of things.

The blogosphere has really changed the face of not just the world's news but also the nature of democracy. We now have direct participation in what's happening in the world. We now have every person, you and I, commenting and reporting on what's going on in the world. We now have more and more people aware of the consequences of actions of people in charge and saying, "I don't like it."

There is more to come. Much, much more. I can't wait to see what the world is going to look like in two years, let alone ten!

how about you?

just asking...

monday morning mayhem...

1. be careful what you ask...

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "What's wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

2. be very, very careful...

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . . it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma

3. or don't be careful at all...

blogged to death...

from QT at the Chicago Sun-Times

News Item: Man in northern China slumps over and dies at his computer after seven days nonstop on the Internet

He was warned to stay away from the Drudge Report.

it possibly also grows hair on your palms or crosses your eyes or lessens sperm count...

the Drudge Report causes brain cancer. i'm almost certain of that. i know it raises blood pressure. don't believe me? go ahead. read drudge with a sphygmometer on your arm. it's a fact. i blocked him a long time ago. and what's with that hat? does anyone really wear a hat anymore?

do you think that anyone's done a study of the effects of extended time on the Internet? this could be an entirely new business enterprise that one could make lots of money doing.

i mean the study not the internet...