monday morning mayhem...

you KNOW you are going to try these when you get to work...




'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

and 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.' uses every letter of the alphabet.

'TYPEWRITER' is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.



should a three-year-old watch childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought, about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... Smack his ass again!"


Maxx's all time favorite joke...

Dinner party for 8 - $250 ...

Wine for guests - $80...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there...

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then...

In...

Walks...

The...

Dog...

yes, he piddled a little when he saw this...

weekender...

annual festival that was held this past Wednesday. you just missed it...

i was having a surgical procedure so i couldn't make it. i'm about 15 miles from Huntley right now and i have been to the town before.




you can go up there and have a ball?

don't believe it's real? here is the mascot -



and here is the website - Turkey Testicle Festival



shut up, Maxx...
he's in hysterics because he said
i've had worse things in my mouth,
bitch...

Happy Thanksgiving...

and don't worry about over eating or eating too much or going of your regimen.

and remember...

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."

-- Jackie Gleason

eat, drink, be Mary... errr, marry... um, merry... whatever!

when you're just too busy to be impatient...

monday morning mayhem...

sick leave...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the world are you doing? ' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'



(You're gonna love this....)



She said,.... "I'm going home too. You know darn well -- I can't possibly work in the dark!"


important life provoking thoughts...


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Never take life seriously; Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


there will be a quiz on Friday...


bonus question...

and...

we'll say have a good week with a Maxine classic...

weekender...

if you're gonna party this weekend, just think how you look...


after 2 glasses of wine...


or

after 6 beers...


or

after 2 bottles of wine - shared of course...


or

after too many margaritas...


or

after 7 rum & cokes...


or

after 3 kamikazes...


or

after 3 martinis...


or

after 1 large purple haze...




or


after 1 bottle of tequila...


... goes along with the old chant

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...





sure, he laughs now...
but i've seen Maxx on a Monday...
no laughing matter then.

monday morning mayhem...

only a farm kid...

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently...

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."



iTit...




Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them....

Apple closed at $204.45 on Friday. it's gonna DOUBLE with this one...


little kids always get it right...

sad or silly Veyron mishap...

oops!



beside the fact that these guys don't know a Buggati Veyron from a Lamborghini (they really look nothing alike) their response seeing the mishap is much milder than i would have had...

a $1.6 million car, that didn't look like it was going that fast for this to happen (the driver said a pelican flew in front of or into the car) needs to be handled by special driving. Bugatti requires everyone who buy the Veyron to go through a special training before delivery since the car is a 16 cylinder 1000 horsepower auto. i guess the guy wasn't paying very good attention. he probably will have to go to driver's training again...

heads-up from AutoBlog - Bugatti Bird-gate Followup: Driver identity revealed [*UPDATE: Now with actual crash video!]

weekender...

This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Mary Poppins.



Try it without looking at the answers.

It works!

Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
You will get your answer by adding these two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.



Good Luck

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It is:

1. Gone with the wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Oliver

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins.


well, now... shouldn't you be ashamed of yourself?

Maxx is... um, that is, he's ashamed of you. he could give a rat's ass for himself...








he can be sooooo evil!

i've not forsaken "no matter what..."

but i've been doing more on FaceBook - as I think a lot of people have been doing.

i think it's because there can be a more instant response than on a blog.

there is a FaceBook badge on the right, if you're interested. you'll have to request to add me as a friend, just mention "no matter what..." in your message so i know you are coming from here.

if you're not on FaceBook, why are you waiting?

in the meantime, i'll post from time to time here, until i get back into it, and weekender and monday morning mayhem will continue. [this week, i just totally forgot it was Monday. i know. that's pretty bad...]

name your favorite modern pharisee...

def. pharisee a hypocritically self-righteous person

who on the radar these days fits into this definition and is your favorite?

i'll start with three:

1. Pastor Gary Cass of the Christian Anti-Defamation League
2. Rush Limbaugh
3. Sarah Palin

man, that was difficult narrowing it down to three. there are so many choices...


if you don't want to vomit, don't click on the links i provided. i just couldn't bring myself to put one in for Palin.

weekender...

remember the old astute question, "What did you do with the money your mother gave you for singing lessons?"

well here's a better one:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT!

MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.....

and just why is it that we need lawyers?

just asking...

monday morning mayhem...

a late morning addition that i just couldn't pass up.

of course it's a blonde joke...


During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "Duh, it has to be at least 8 characters long...."

monday morning mayhem...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..



That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.





The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236, 284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.





The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, ! this one made of sapphire . And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


...silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight










... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.







DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!

damn...