23 April 2007

monday morning mayhem...

just a little late. i just got back from NYC this afternoon.

1. how to tell the sex of a fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded: "Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can; 2 were on the phone.
2. Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
3. WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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