weekender...

A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."



i knew Simon would get it!
it was a 'roofer' for Maxx...

monday morning mayhem...

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.




Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.




A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

weekender...

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 1st grade student...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.





Maxx brought home a new friend;
he says he's related to Alvin;
i doubt it...

ummm...

rats, i forgot what it was...

weekender...

Bubba goes to college...


A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.

"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the Years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed To have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks: "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats"

monday morning mayhem...

for the return of monday morning mayhem what better than my favorite subject - kids! and these are some doozies...


Why we love children:


1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she aske d her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it . What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


the entire gang loved all of these...
















me too...

long time...

long, long time...

i hadn't realized how long;


the most recent post - April 24th - was right before the last couple of surgeries i had to have, and they were the worst of all i've had over the last 2 1/2 years; even worse than the back surgeries;

i didn't realize how difficult these were going to be; i say these because they did two at the same time; the major one was a trans urethral resection of the prostate; the secondary one was the removal of a very large growth that grew very quickly on one of the testicles; luckily a benign cyst that had to be removed along with the epididymis;

(i know - too much information, but the truth is the truth)

the second one, understandably, was the most painful and uncomfortable; if you're male and never had something like this done, you can only imagine what the aftermath was like! thank the fates for Vicodin;

in the meantime, i've been spending most of my time using Facebook; it's quick; it's easy; and most of the time keeps you up-to-date;

i'm not completely sold on it, but it has been a really good source for news that doesn't make the major media;

of course, this is due to the fact that i've been fairly selective on who friends are; (friends is really quite a misnomer; only 5-6 on my list are truly friends in the real sense of the word!)

the worst seems to be passed, but they tell me it will take a couple of more months before most of the after effects go away;

i am rethinking a lot of things with this last episode of life and i am looking it over and deciding that another make-over is in order; i've done this before and always had a good time doing it;

i'm just not exactly certain what the change is going to be, but like i said, i want to have fun doing it...

glad to see you all again and there already is a monday morning mayhem ready for posting...