monday morning mayhem...

because, well, you know how to laugh...

1. Amish transportation safety...

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse are rapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

think the American car makers could think outside the box like this?

2. who wants to live forever...

Here is some sound logic.

Recently a guy picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said the guy was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," he replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

The guy said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," he said.

The doctor then asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," he said. "I don't do any of those things."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Then, why do you care?"

3. I will never forget it you know...

Soph & Clementine...

I will never forget it you know. I met my girlfriend Clementine on the street the other day and her left breast was hanging out of her shirt. I said, "Clemintine, your left breast is hanging our of your shirt." She said, "Oh, the baby must still be on the bus!"

I will never forget it you know, my girlfriend Clementine goes on retreat once a year. She goes up north to Little Sisters of Unbearable Chastity. Once while she was up there, she discovered she had a spiritual power, a power for healing. It wasn't long before the entire retreat was over run by those seeking to be healed by Clementine. One time Clementine was in the shower naked and soapy. There was a knock at the door. A large nun walked in. "Clementine, come out of the shower girl. There's a blind man outdoors to see ya, he's come a long way, he's got something important to say to ya." "Sister!", says Clementine "Look, at me I'm naked I'm soapy I'm in the shower!! I cannot receive anyone in this condition!" "Oh Clementine be a sport, he's a blind man he's come a long way he's got something important to say to ya." "Oh very well", says Clementine "Show him in." So the door opens and the blind man walks in. He says "Nice tits where do want the blinds?"

I will never forget it you know. My girlfriend Clemintine is a filthy, vulgar ol' broad. She loves to keep me abreast of all the latest in filthy rotten jokes and filthy rotten songs. She rang me up the other day and said to me, "Soph, listen to this one. You've never heard anything like it. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?" I said to her, "I have no idea what the hell do you get?" She said, "Usually you get an onion with really long ears. But occasionally when the stars are just right, you get a piece of ass that's so nice it makes you want to cry!"

I will never forget it you know. You know that Clemintine she's a rascal you know. She loves to fix me up with these exotic-type fellows. The other day she called me up and said "Soph I gotta live one for ya' this time." I said, "Send him over Clemintine." Twenty minutes later the doorbell rang and I opened the door and there was a man there with no arms and no legs. I said to him "What the hell do you think you're going to do?" He said "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

I will never forget it you know, my girlfriend Clemintine in the height of her profession was a great great stripper, but she hated it so violently that she would have to run to confession in between shows. One day she completely forgot to put her shirt back on and she went into the church, nipples to the wind. A young priest stopped her and said, "Madam you cannot come into the House of the Lord in that fashion." "But I have a divine right," Clemintine said. "Okay, your breasts ain't bad but you better cover your head," the priest said. Well, after confessoin Clementine was walking back and she slipped on a banana peel, her dress got caught on a nail then completely unraveleed as she fell down a flight of stairs. There she lay, quite, quite naked and quite comotose. A passing motorcyclist took pity upon her plight and put his crash helmet over her exposed groin. Then the doctor came and took a long look at her and said "We'll put her in the ambulance, but first we gotta get that cop outta there!"

and when Clementine is not around to keep and eye on her...

I will never forget it you know.
I was terribly drunk the other night.
I woke up and there
was an elephant in my bed. I said,
"Lord have mercy I must've
been tight last night." "Well,"
said the elephant, "kinda."

words of the Divine Ms. M