2010 will be the best yet...
from all of us
last, and not least - or so he thinks - Maxx...
and me...
mike/
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
01 January 2010
2010...
2010 will be the best yet...
from all of us
last, and not least - or so he thinks - Maxx...
and me...
mike/
25 December 2009
18 December 2009
weekender...
Christmas Bird
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; 'Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; 'Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'
groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...
i agree...
it was cute...
and it was funny, but...
26 November 2009
Happy Thanksgiving...
and don't worry about over eating or eating too much or going of your regimen.
and remember...
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
eat, drink, be Mary... errr, marry... um, merry... whatever!
and remember...
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
-- Jackie Gleason
eat, drink, be Mary... errr, marry... um, merry... whatever!
25 May 2009
Memorial Day...
the official start of summer activities; the first BBQ on the patio for the season; the beginning of travel season.
more important, the remembrance of all the women and men, living and dead, who served to protect us over the decades.
my father and my uncles served in WWII; my cousin served in Korea; many of my friends served in Vietnam and some of them are still there.
i've been surrounded by wars my entire life. i am, however, a pacifist - totally. i do not even believe that a government has the right to take a human life.
yet, i do understand that there are times when people and nations have to defend themselves. there are others in the world who do not believe in the concept of peace; there are groups who believe that to get what they want they must resort to violence and murder; and there are zealots who are convinced that their way is the only way to do things.
but, i strive, at least for myself, to push for the humanity of the world.
yesterday afternoon, i saw what i can only describe as the most haunting and believable argument against war - the opera Owen Wingrave by Benjamin Britten. commissioned by the BBC, it was first performed in 1970, at the height of the Vietnam Conflict. an irony that did not escape notice.
the story is about a young British aristocrat whose family was military backbone of Great Britain. after much thought, Owen comes to believe that war and violence has to stop, or at least the glorification of it. his family is distraught, not because of his stand but because of the disgrace it brings to them. his grandfather, Sir Phillip, disinherits him, his betrothed rejects him, his aunt repels him. Owen stays resolute.
he is branded a coward; he denies he lacks courage. his mentor and teacher of war tactics, Mr. Coyle, comes to realize he has more courage than most others and is torn.
of course, Owen dies at the end, but not how you would think. the original short story by Henry James and the opera are also a ghost story. the ghosts are woven in because they are Owen's ancestors.
it may seem ironic to talk about someone opposed to war as a way of honoring Memorial Day, but there are different kinds of heroes. one of Owen's lines in the opera is most prophetic and is actually by one of England's greatest war heroes: The Duke of Wellington
in the end, we must remember those who have served us. it is a dichotomy that is inescapable in the world.
Benjamin Britten also wrote a piece that was both a tribute to those who had fought and died in WWII and also something that remembered the horror of war and conflict. his War Requiem is one of the greatest musical compositions of the 20th century. i include below the last part of the Libera me what Britten called "Let us sleep now" in dedication to all those who served us.
more important, the remembrance of all the women and men, living and dead, who served to protect us over the decades.
my father and my uncles served in WWII; my cousin served in Korea; many of my friends served in Vietnam and some of them are still there.
i've been surrounded by wars my entire life. i am, however, a pacifist - totally. i do not even believe that a government has the right to take a human life.
yet, i do understand that there are times when people and nations have to defend themselves. there are others in the world who do not believe in the concept of peace; there are groups who believe that to get what they want they must resort to violence and murder; and there are zealots who are convinced that their way is the only way to do things.
but, i strive, at least for myself, to push for the humanity of the world.
yesterday afternoon, i saw what i can only describe as the most haunting and believable argument against war - the opera Owen Wingrave by Benjamin Britten. commissioned by the BBC, it was first performed in 1970, at the height of the Vietnam Conflict. an irony that did not escape notice.
the story is about a young British aristocrat whose family was military backbone of Great Britain. after much thought, Owen comes to believe that war and violence has to stop, or at least the glorification of it. his family is distraught, not because of his stand but because of the disgrace it brings to them. his grandfather, Sir Phillip, disinherits him, his betrothed rejects him, his aunt repels him. Owen stays resolute.
he is branded a coward; he denies he lacks courage. his mentor and teacher of war tactics, Mr. Coyle, comes to realize he has more courage than most others and is torn.
of course, Owen dies at the end, but not how you would think. the original short story by Henry James and the opera are also a ghost story. the ghosts are woven in because they are Owen's ancestors.
it may seem ironic to talk about someone opposed to war as a way of honoring Memorial Day, but there are different kinds of heroes. one of Owen's lines in the opera is most prophetic and is actually by one of England's greatest war heroes: The Duke of Wellington
"Next to a battle lost, the greatest misery is a battle gained."the opera also points out the irony that wars are fought to gain peace, a fact not lost on the character of Owen.
in the end, we must remember those who have served us. it is a dichotomy that is inescapable in the world.
Benjamin Britten also wrote a piece that was both a tribute to those who had fought and died in WWII and also something that remembered the horror of war and conflict. his War Requiem is one of the greatest musical compositions of the 20th century. i include below the last part of the Libera me what Britten called "Let us sleep now" in dedication to all those who served us.
12 February 2009
February 12th...
has long held a special place in the hearts and minds of not just the United States but most of the world. We celebrate the anniversary of the birth of Abraham Lincoln, probably the greatest president and leader the world has ever had.
He was, to all available knowledge and research, a humble, intelligent and special person. He was a risk taker and made tough decisions even if they were not what he would consider part of his psyche or ethic. He made them based on what was best; not what was politically correct or catering to small minded people.
Today is the 200th anniversary of his birth, a special occasion. In Illinois it is always a holiday for government and schools.
In spite of the checkered political history of the state, it was his home and maybe that is unconsciously why people are reacting to the recent embarrassments and shenanigans. I don't really know.
It is also a personally important day. Today would have been my mother's 89th birthday. She was born on the same date as Abraham Lincoln. She died 12 years ago, but you never really stop feeling a hole when you loose someone, especially a parent. One of the things that I do, and it is not something I broadcast, is visit the cemetery. Not just on her birthday but also the anniversary of her death. Actually, I do it for all of my close relatives. This habit is something she ingrained in me and I accept it. I would have to take her to the cemetery for all of these occasions.
One more thing - my grandparents didn't get to name her. Since she was born on February 12th, the doctor named her. Her first name was Lincoln.
It's a pretty name for a lady. I have also met men who have it as a first name.
I remember one story she told me when I was younger. She said, "Thank God I wasn't born a boy! I'm afraid the doctor would have named me Abraham!"
Of course that really wasn't the end of it. When she was baptized in the Roman Catholic Church, they wouldn't use the name Lincoln because it wasn't a saint's name. When the priest got to the part where he had to say her name, he said, "Catherine". My grandparents were furious; he never mentioned it to them before hand.
I can just hear my grandmother. She spoke very little English but swore in Italian like an old truck driver and added the English curse words at every chance. [she knew those!] They had to remind her often when I was around because I understood everything. I didn't totally speak English until I was four.
yes..., i did inherit her mouth, but i'm cautious most of the time, since i worked with kids for 37 years. though they taught me a few words my grandmother didn't know...
He was, to all available knowledge and research, a humble, intelligent and special person. He was a risk taker and made tough decisions even if they were not what he would consider part of his psyche or ethic. He made them based on what was best; not what was politically correct or catering to small minded people.
Today is the 200th anniversary of his birth, a special occasion. In Illinois it is always a holiday for government and schools.
In spite of the checkered political history of the state, it was his home and maybe that is unconsciously why people are reacting to the recent embarrassments and shenanigans. I don't really know.
-----------------------
It is also a personally important day. Today would have been my mother's 89th birthday. She was born on the same date as Abraham Lincoln. She died 12 years ago, but you never really stop feeling a hole when you loose someone, especially a parent. One of the things that I do, and it is not something I broadcast, is visit the cemetery. Not just on her birthday but also the anniversary of her death. Actually, I do it for all of my close relatives. This habit is something she ingrained in me and I accept it. I would have to take her to the cemetery for all of these occasions.
One more thing - my grandparents didn't get to name her. Since she was born on February 12th, the doctor named her. Her first name was Lincoln.
It's a pretty name for a lady. I have also met men who have it as a first name.
I remember one story she told me when I was younger. She said, "Thank God I wasn't born a boy! I'm afraid the doctor would have named me Abraham!"
Of course that really wasn't the end of it. When she was baptized in the Roman Catholic Church, they wouldn't use the name Lincoln because it wasn't a saint's name. When the priest got to the part where he had to say her name, he said, "Catherine". My grandparents were furious; he never mentioned it to them before hand.
I can just hear my grandmother. She spoke very little English but swore in Italian like an old truck driver and added the English curse words at every chance. [she knew those!] They had to remind her often when I was around because I understood everything. I didn't totally speak English until I was four.
yes..., i did inherit her mouth, but i'm cautious most of the time, since i worked with kids for 37 years. though they taught me a few words my grandmother didn't know...
01 January 2009
2009...
for the first time in many years, i spent New Year's Eve alone. well, with a terrible cold actually. having worked at both a bar and a restaurant years ago, i came to the conclusion that New Year's Eve was amateur night - let's see how drunk we can get...! i felt safer behind the bar.
for the last 14 years i've spent the evening quietly with friends. usually i cook a multi-course dinner with matching wines and go over the top. it's fun; i love to cook; and it's nice ringing in the new year this way. this year, friends went home for the holidays so we're skipping the tradition. plus, with this cold, i don't feel like doing anything.
that's not true. i had a glass of gin. not just any gin - Bombay Sapphire in the new designer martini glass i got for Christmas...
Happy New Year!
31 December 2008
Bonne Année...
a Paris c'est 2009.
elle est sept heures avant nous a Chicago.
j'ai visité Paris pour la fête en 1975 avec mon amie, April. nous avon eu une bonne temps. a diner dans un restaurante locale et une excursion de la Ville des Lumières.
superbe! je manque Paris. il y a trois année depuis j'ai visité ma favori espace des vacances...
eh, bien, peut-être l'année prochaine.
elle est sept heures avant nous a Chicago.
j'ai visité Paris pour la fête en 1975 avec mon amie, April. nous avon eu une bonne temps. a diner dans un restaurante locale et une excursion de la Ville des Lumières.
superbe! je manque Paris. il y a trois année depuis j'ai visité ma favori espace des vacances...
eh, bien, peut-être l'année prochaine.
happy new year and thank you...
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have very little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. where ever the hell they are...
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
so...
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
25 December 2008
will we ever be able to say...
The War Is Over
by John Lennon
will we?
i won't give up hope
because...
i won't give up hope
because...
when hope is gone, life is over....
Hopi Native-American belief
Hopi Native-American belief
24 December 2008
23 December 2008
why Santa didn't answer your letter...
ummmmm..., i don't know what to say.
yes, i do sh*t! i'm never gonna get what i want.
what do i want?
i wrapped all the gifts today. i hate wrapping gifts. i prefer bags, but i didn't want to go out with this silly flu. as usual, i played with the kids' presents before i wrapped them. they never know...
19 December 2008
weekender...
if you haven't finished your holiday shopping - or even started - here's something to help get you in the mood to get it all done this weekend...
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Jear."
i'm sorry, i couldn't resist. when you wake up at 4:30 in the morning and this is the first email from a friend, you just totally loose it...
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Jear."
i'm sorry, i couldn't resist. when you wake up at 4:30 in the morning and this is the first email from a friend, you just totally loose it...
26 November 2008
Happy Thanksgiving...
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done
roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.'
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
30 August 2008
03 July 2008
weekender...
My Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I ca n s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore ! anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:...
Dear Beefy... I mean Bryan,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday
in the meantime...
have a great 4th! enjoy the extended weekend...
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I ca n s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore ! anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:...
Dear Beefy... I mean Bryan,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday
in the meantime...
have a great 4th! enjoy the extended weekend...
21 March 2008
weekender...
and if you're having the traditional Easter dinner this Sunday...
think about it...
17 March 2008
monday morning mayhem...
Irish Lent
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. 'I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?'
'Tis odd, isn't it?' the man replies. 'You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.'
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers be came a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The barten der pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, 'Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all.
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, 'Ahh! You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.'
Sure and Begorah!
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to ye?" asks Sian, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sian, "He couldn't do that to ye, he must have had something in his hand."
"Aye. That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gi' me with it."
"Well," says Sian, "Ye should have defended yourself, didn't ye have something in yer hand?"
"That I did," says Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Tippin' a few...
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car's weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you're dead.
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. 'I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?'
'Tis odd, isn't it?' the man replies. 'You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.'
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers be came a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The barten der pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, 'Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all.
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, 'Ahh! You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.'
Sure and Begorah!
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to ye?" asks Sian, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sian, "He couldn't do that to ye, he must have had something in his hand."
"Aye. That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gi' me with it."
"Well," says Sian, "Ye should have defended yourself, didn't ye have something in yer hand?"
"That I did," says Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Tippin' a few...
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car's weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*************************************************
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you're dead.
01 January 2008
keep in mind for the New Year...
The Immutable Laws of Life...
good for 2008 - or any year, for that matter...
good for 2008 - or any year, for that matter...
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had
a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down
on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet or rug.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an
appointment and you'll stay sick.
Happy New Year!
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