monday morning mayhem...

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.




Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.




A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

monday morning mayhem...

your duck is dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head..

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock,took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


that's it, just the one this week because...

we are ALL ROTFLOAO...

and they wonder why we need health care reform?

weekender...

if you're gonna party this weekend, just think how you look...


after 2 glasses of wine...


or

after 6 beers...


or

after 2 bottles of wine - shared of course...


or

after too many margaritas...


or

after 7 rum & cokes...


or

after 3 kamikazes...


or

after 3 martinis...


or

after 1 large purple haze...




or


after 1 bottle of tequila...


... goes along with the old chant

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...





sure, he laughs now...
but i've seen Maxx on a Monday...
no laughing matter then.

come on baby...

shake your tail feather...




watch it until the end. he gets better and better...

i love Ray Charles, too.

finally...

i couldn't wait until the weekender for this one...

FINALLY...


AFTER


ASKING FOR SO


MANY YEARS!


THE ANSWER IS:




YES!

weekender

church problem...




There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..






In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the Baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the Baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.




The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.





But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.





Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.





*************************************



For all who appreciate the outdoors... the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel.





if you hit the house of worship this weekend, pray for the squirrels...

THE perfect Labor Day Weekend...

ahhhhhhh...

weekender...

Now... where is that damn duck????


the gecko drives me nuts, especially, since the vast majority of geckos are from the Pacific Ocean and almost ALL are females, reproducing asexually except for every 5th or 6th generation when they produce a few males in order for the genetic line to add variance and adaptability.

i LIKE the Aflac duck though. he reminds of someone i know...


hey, you worked hard this week. catch something fun... go out to eat... have a glass of gin!

this has got to be impossible...

but here is the proof...





wonder if Cirque du Soleil is looking for new acts?

a gathering of eagles...

Dave sent me these photos from friends of his that live in Eagle River, Wisconsin. they snapped them this past December. the temperature that day was -5° F with a deep blue sky and, as you can see, it had just snowed. the eagles were right near their house. actually, it looks like they were sitting on someone's house...

they are incredible...