monday morning mayhem...

1. BEAN SOUP…

Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland ... and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society.

At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."

2. be careful where you s(h)it...




3. neologisms...

(that sounds dirty)

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

-- flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

-- abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

-- esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

-- willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

-- negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

-- lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

-- gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

-- flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

-- balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

-- testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

-- rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

-- pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

-- oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

-- frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

-- circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

4. children will listen

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.

As they tasted each the children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled,
"Oh My God! They're !#*holes!"