weekender...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermons, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to the rectory after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Father -

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 apostles, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock he was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before meals is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub. Yay, God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Thank you,
Monsignor

i would bet that the members of the parish were listening better than they ever have in the past...



like Maxx goes to church...
he worships Queen Victoria.
her picture is on the label of
Bombay Sapphire!