monday morning mayhem...

idiot sighting...


I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, lo oked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

my trip to costco...


Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my folk's loyal pet, Yuks the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I was buying all that for one dog.

What did she think I was buying it for an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do (yeah right) and a hard time being gentle with the unguided, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry...it really worked.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line and the checkout area was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both...

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard, I did make quite of lot of people smile out loud.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore... we now go to Sam's.

Better watch what you ask us retired people. We have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this to all your crazy old retired friends........it will be their Laugh for the day and give them something to try out tomorrow at the Costco near them.

Life just gets better and better....well it sure seem that way to me!

[another idiot sighting]



Maxx wouldn't even let me get to the end of the post.
i'm not sure, but i think he knew the Irish Setter...


and here's another idiot question...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'



speaking of Maxx...


he's applied for a new job -




something tells me Maxx would be over-qualified...



now he's pissed at me and called his friend Otto to come and take care of me.



i'm quaking in my boots.
i also know that Otto will do anything for a beer.
i have more beer than Maxx...

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895...

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.


8th Grade Final Exam: Salina , KS - 1895


Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie,""play," and "run.."
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.


Arithmetic (Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft . deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs . for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs . coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft . long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.


U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus .
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States .
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas ...
6 Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.


Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]

1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.


Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America .
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco .
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.

Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO! I don't have the answersto all of the questions.

oh, i'll be a smarty pants. i knew what orthography is, but only because i taught reading and had to take classes on it, though it hasn't been known as orthography for decades. same with the grammar part but, again, it's because i taught it.

the math part would have thrown me for a loop. i hated math. the first year i taught, with a background in Reading Instruction, they gave me half of the 6th grade math classes to teach!

remember when that dog followed you home?

and you said, "But Mom, he followed me home. Can I keep him?"

well, Maxx from time to time brings home strays too. i don't know if it's the gin or he's just some sort of alcohol magnet.

here's what followed him home last night, errrr..., this morning.







i still can't find out their names. they can't stop long enough to make any sense.

wait a minute. why would i expect any sense. this is Maxx we're talking about here...

i hope they bring their own gin. i guess i better lock up the Sapphire!

weekender...

my, how things have changed. well, some things...





Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!




shut up Maxx!
it's not nice
to laugh at those
less fortunate

weekender

it's the weekend and that means that here in Chicago the weather is shitty - severe storm warnings, tornado watches, flood alerts! we have yet to have not only summer but spring.

see...! global warming is a myth. it's really climate change, and ours has been going on for the last several years.

i bring this up because June is the traditional month for weddings. lots of people want to be June brides, errr, grooms, errr, same-sex spouses, errr, even i'm confused!

a lot of you are probably going to weddings all this month.

came across this and thought you would all understand that even if you can't get married in this life, there is hope...


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a frakkin' Lawyer?



Maxx almost got married once.
really...
the gin got in the way.
he drank more than Maxx.
when the Sapphire was gone,
so was Maxx!
figures...

no monday morning mayhem...

just couldn't get my act together and was doing a lot of writing and commenting on other stuff plus big birthday weekend for a friend, and the MacBook is dying. (boohoohoo...)

but... i just got this and it's priceless. so a wee bit of monday evening mayhem...

How to get to Heaven in Ireland

I was testing children in me Dublin Sunday school class to see if they could understand the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all me money to the church, would that get myself into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get myself into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I had a smile on me face.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved me husband, would that get myself into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'


*

* A six year-old boy shouted out

'YU'V GOTTA BE FOOCKIN' DEAD..........'

Maxx says this one doesn't get a gin!
it deserves a
Perfect Black Bush!*
i'll drink to that...






*how to make a Perfect Black Bush - place ice in mixing glass; pour Black Bush over the ice; with the mixing spoon swirl three times to the left, three times to the right, and the pull the spoon three times up and down; strain into brandy snifter. i was taught this by the owner of Bushmill's himself in the early 1990's. it is the only way i will drink Black Bush...

NOW i will say, "i told you so"...

if you missed Bill Maher Friday night, you missed someone in the media finally calling Obama out. the key quote:

And just like Lindsay (Lohan) we see your name in the paper a lot, but we're kind of wondering when you're actually going to do something.

the full clip is below.



this is exactly what he did here in Illinois. he played politics.

so, since Bill Maher has brought this up, i will now say

i told you so...

is there a law...

or court case that mandates what a church or minister or rabbi or priest must do?

yes, i know that there are cases on record that say that an adoption agency cannot discriminate against someone because of their sexual orientation, but the caveat here is if the agency is receiving governmental funding. the provision reflects that the government cannot sanction a religion over another or support religious beliefs and the use of tax monies that discriminate against someone would be against federal and constitutional law.

the spate of laws being debated in state legislatures right now on same-sex marriage or civil unions almost all have some language in them excluding a church from being forced to marry someone that they don't want to in light of their dogma.

again, is there a law or court case that mandates that they would have to do that?

it seems to me that these provisions in and of themselves are pandering and creating a protected group - religion.

don't get me wrong, i don't give one wit if a church doesn't want to marry someone. the Catholic church refused to marry my parents because there wasn't enough time before Dad was shipped over to England during WWII. the bans of marriage requirement could not be met, so they wouldn't marry them. they married in an Anglican church here in Chicago [my father's religion], and he went off to war.

the problem came when i was to be baptized. when the Catholic church discovered they were not married in a sanctioned church ceremony, they wouldn't baptize me. my parents remarried an hour before my baptism in the church rectory.

[the best part of this for me is that the church considered me a bastard. i loved it and have gotten all the mileage i can out of it over the years!]

hypothetically, some foolettas are going to demand their church marry them somewhere down the line and take the church or minister or priest to court. the way i read the existing laws, this type of case would be tossed out before it even got to an actual trial.

if the churches are afraid of this, then put the silly provisions in the laws. i don't think it makes a difference one way or another.

except...

by now creating a special group - the religious - who do not want lgbtq being considered a special group because they don't believe in special groups.

hellloooooo!

weekender...

summer is days away. have you gotten ready?


I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.


ahh, maybe it's too late...

life finds a way...

we have been involved in conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan for several years now. we hear about the fighting and the bombings and the killings. we seldom are made aware of normal activities in these countries.

there have been scattered reports on ABC World News from time to time about life in Baghdad becoming more and more normal and the middle class becoming a moving force in the recreation of the country. they are overshadowed by the persistent extremist organizations and movements.

we are also repeatedly told about how backward Afghanistan has become as a result of the Taliban and reactionary Islamic movements that seek to destroy all things Western and amoral.

when i saw the photos below on ParisianBoys par Seb & Fred today, i was not just taken aback; i would have to say i was a bit shocked. it was one of the last things i would have expected to see.






the photo on the right is the winner of Mr. Afghanistan 2009. look at the banner behind the photo on the left. it clearly says it is June 2009. as a matter of fact, the competition was held on June 2nd.

while we are told about the strict requirements of women covering up with burquas and veils, we might expect that something like a bodybuilding competition would be greatly frowned upon by the Taliban, et al. i should imagine this is completely beyond acceptable to the religious sense of the extremists.

yet, as i said in the title of this post - life finds a way.

always...

"Thank you for your help."

this has been making the rounds over the last few days from Andrew Sullivan to Blogactive.



Grover is not confused any more. why do you think it's so difficult for so many others? especially adults?

just asking...

good move? bad move?

or a possible tactical error?

the Washington Post put up an article not that long ago that SCOTUS refused to here a case on DADT - Supreme Court Turns Down 'Don't Ask' Challenge.

It is not a ruling on the merits of DADT; it's just a refusal to hear this particular case. Since the Supreme Court does not have to explain its actions, there could be any number of reasons.

Some are saying that SCOTUS may have decided that this case is not the right one to hear. Others may believe that another case is more to the point. Still others think its a betrayal of the Obama administration because it's reported they asked the Court not to hear it.

The last possibility may prove to be the one that sticks with all sorts of counterfeit reasonings attached to it. It may be the tactical error.

Given the recent history of accusations that the Human Rights Campaign and the Obama administration have a deal to put this on the back burner for next year, it it going to be harder to swallow for a lot of people.

The case - Pietrangelo v. Gates - originally had 12 plaintiffs. Eleven of them agreed to drop out of the case.

Pietrangelo appealed to the Supreme Court on his own, while most of the other plaintiffs asked the court to not to review the case, preferring to allow the administration to deal with the issue.

Their position was supported by the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN), a nonprofit group that helps military personnel affected by "don't ask, don't tell." It said another case that reached the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit in San Francisco was a better vehicle to bring the issue before the Supreme Court.

So what is going to happen is that this is going to fan the flames of an already bad situation that Mr. Obama has actually put himself into and could have avoided.

Though he is not solely to blame. Part of the the problem, imho, is the lack of real leadership in the LGBTQ community along with many splinter groups.

Obama has a very easy way out, as i see it. Simply giving an order that no further discharges will happen until the matter is settled will give not only give breathing room but time for the services to get themselves out of the situation that, from what i've been reading, the majority of officers in actual field operations are turning their heads from unless forced by other service members who push personal agendas.

doing this will also help protect our country. so many important service members, linguists being the most notable, will continue to insure safety.

monday morning mayhem...

sumabich...

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Jerry, the only Hillbilly in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Jerry was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in..'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Jerry in the pool!

Jerry was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Jerry was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jerry and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jerry strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Jerry then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Jerry, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Jerry.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Jerry.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something... That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Jerry said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Jerry, then what do you want?'

Jerry said, 'I want the name of the Sumabich who pushed me in the pool!

hope your weekend was, ummm, better than Jerry's...


special email alert!

If you receive an email with "nude photos of Liz Cheney"
written in the subject line, don't open it.

It might contain nude photos of Liz Cheney.

Five-minute Management Course: Lesson #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

that's pretty sound advice. it is a perfect example of the #1 administrative rule - CYA

cover your ass...


maxim from Maxine...




i wish i would have seen her earlier...


Maxx was home all weekend.
i had to go out.
he was driving me nuts,
and Jerry locked himself in his litter box.
he couldn't stand Maxx either.
now, that's bad...

weekender...

IDIOT SIGHTING:





The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

- She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

and if you have to drive this weekend, don't do it with a glass of gin...



i don't know what he's laughing about.
ask him where his driver's license is.
aannndddd...
he gets carsick.

monday morning mayhem...

Cowboy's Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."



wooden leg insurance...

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in North Carolina to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'

(Those Tar Heels know how "to git 'er done"; don't they?)



world's worst hunting dog...







Tom thinks this is one of Maxx's relatives.
Maxx is not happy.


[shhhh. i think it might be too.
he drinks gin like water...]


hope the week goes fast, the weather is nice, and your sprinkler system is in good working order.

wish mine was...