monday morning mayhem...

1. christianist priorities...

A cotton farmer, wanting to hoe his cotton field, called the Texas Employment Service in Lubbock. He told the unemployment person that he wanted to hire 20 hoers. The gal who answered his call was taken aback. She indignantly responded, "Sir, you don't mean prostitutes?" The farmer responded, "I don't care what religion they are. I just need hoers."

2. ultimate police retorts...

Countdown of the 10 best:

#10 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#9 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#8 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document"

#7 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#6 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#5 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap."

#4 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#3 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#2 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#1 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

3. canadian road sign...

Does Smokey the Bear work in Canada too?

4. royalty...

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

...and she better damn well curtsy on the way out!