monday morning mayhem...

because it's always best to start the week laughing...

1. why? why? why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

And my FAVORITE and I've asked people when they do it......

Does pushing the elevator button more than once
make the elevator come faster?

2. are you ready for the test?

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."

"Okay," says the blonde.

"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."

"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"

"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?"

"That's easy. Twelve!"

"Twelve?"

"January second, February second, March second--"

"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?"

"That's easy. Howard!"

"Howard?"

"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

hmmm... Pete had to let her into heaven. She really did get all three questions correct. Didn't she?

3. ASSICONS ?

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by :-) & :-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

(_!_)
a regular ass

(___!___)
a fat ass

(!)
a tight ass

(_*_)
a sore ass

{_!_}
a swishy ass

(_o_)
an ass that's been around

(_x _)
kiss my ass

(_X_)
leave my ass alone

(_zzz_)
a tired ass

(_E=mc2_)
a smart ass

(_$$_)
Money coming out of his ass

(_?_)
A dumb ass

You have just been e-mooned!

Send this to 5 people and you will be blessed with people laughing their ass off -

(_:-D_)

4. be careful what you think...