and it only got worse...

...and worse and worse.

Thought that the busy week would end well today. Was I wrong. Just when you think things couldn't get worse - they can. The problem comes in when you realize that you have no control over it. What you do have is the possibility of understanding that you need to get your past out of the future in the way you behave to what is happening in the present.

I don't want to go into the specifics of what happened, suffice it to say that when you work with people who are untrustworthy, have no scruples and act pathologically, you question your integrity. My integrity was completely clouded today.

I was angry to the point of tears - literally! It was a complete breakdown for me. Breakdowns can be very powerful in creating breakthroughs. The breakthrough that I had is that I can no longer work where I am. The kids are great and most of the staff are phenomenal, but it is time to move on when I realize that my making a difference is thwarted by people who have only their own agenda in mind, and it is made worse when they have no self-control.

I understand that it is a cowardly decision, but when I have tried over and over for years, in many different ways, and keep hitting a cement wall, the pain starts to become meaningless and numbing.

I work for a person who lies about everything to make life all about them, can't take a stand on things that are obviously wrong, and thinks that everyone believes everything that is said. It's sad. Sad because the ones ultimately being hurt are the kids. Sad because no change can happen for the better. Sad because when you're clueless you can't make any progress, no matter how many people tell you what is happening, you don't believe that there is a problem.

I'm actually ashamed to say that I have chosen all these past years to work and live like this, but I wanted to help make a difference for my kids. I have a sense of powerlessness. I've tried to keep things together and I can no longer do it. It is my entire "act" coming to an ultimate conclusion: I'm a failure because I don't think anyone listens to me, so why bother. When in fact I am trying to be the possibility of power, cooperation and creativity.

I know that I have enough information on the person to have them fired, but I don't want to work that way - again. I had to do it once in the past, and I felt fine about it, but I don't want to do it again. That makes the integrity issue even more prominent. I have the choice of making a decision that affects many people one way or another: doing something or doing nothing is still going to have the same outcome. So, what is the difference if I act or not?

I don't have the energy any more to work negatively. I want to be someplace else. I don't want to be constantly fighting. In other words, "I'm getting too old for this shit!"

...and shit always happens.