ho... ho... ho...

monday morning mayhem...

my apologies to you Eastcoasters...

this came a little late to help you this weekend -

You have been chosen to receive the blessing of the Snow Fairy.

The Snow Fairy can bring you good fortune for one whole year.

May YOU be blessed by his good deeds.....

Christmas thought

- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?







the Christmas bird...










on a happier note...

weekender...

Christmas Bird

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; 'Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

Chet now starts to sing 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'

groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

i agree...

it was cute...

and it was funny, but...

weekender...

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.


i can't tell you the number of times this happened to me over the years. you really don't know whether to laugh or cry, actually.

monday morning mayhem...

Minnesota Quarters

Hang on to any of the new Minnesota quarters you may acquire. They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin-operated devices. The problem lies in the unique makeup of the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.


ho... ho... ho... damn!


Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's "Best Decorated House" contest due to my bad attitude!




there's always next year...



Jesus knows your here - - -


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler...


Jesus





i don't know who is laughing louder at these
Maxx or me...


hope you don't meet Jesus!

monday morning mayhem...

you KNOW you are going to try these when you get to work...




'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

and 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.' uses every letter of the alphabet.

'TYPEWRITER' is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.



should a three-year-old watch childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought, about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... Smack his ass again!"


Maxx's all time favorite joke...

Dinner party for 8 - $250 ...

Wine for guests - $80...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there...

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then...

In...

Walks...

The...

Dog...

yes, he piddled a little when he saw this...

weekender...

annual festival that was held this past Wednesday. you just missed it...

i was having a surgical procedure so i couldn't make it. i'm about 15 miles from Huntley right now and i have been to the town before.




you can go up there and have a ball?

don't believe it's real? here is the mascot -



and here is the website - Turkey Testicle Festival



shut up, Maxx...
he's in hysterics because he said
i've had worse things in my mouth,
bitch...

Happy Thanksgiving...

and don't worry about over eating or eating too much or going of your regimen.

and remember...

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."

-- Jackie Gleason

eat, drink, be Mary... errr, marry... um, merry... whatever!

when you're just too busy to be impatient...

monday morning mayhem...

sick leave...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the world are you doing? ' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'



(You're gonna love this....)



She said,.... "I'm going home too. You know darn well -- I can't possibly work in the dark!"


important life provoking thoughts...


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Never take life seriously; Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


there will be a quiz on Friday...


bonus question...

and...

we'll say have a good week with a Maxine classic...

weekender...

if you're gonna party this weekend, just think how you look...


after 2 glasses of wine...


or

after 6 beers...


or

after 2 bottles of wine - shared of course...


or

after too many margaritas...


or

after 7 rum & cokes...


or

after 3 kamikazes...


or

after 3 martinis...


or

after 1 large purple haze...




or


after 1 bottle of tequila...


... goes along with the old chant

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...





sure, he laughs now...
but i've seen Maxx on a Monday...
no laughing matter then.

monday morning mayhem...

only a farm kid...

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently...

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."



iTit...




Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them....

Apple closed at $204.45 on Friday. it's gonna DOUBLE with this one...


little kids always get it right...

sad or silly Veyron mishap...

oops!



beside the fact that these guys don't know a Buggati Veyron from a Lamborghini (they really look nothing alike) their response seeing the mishap is much milder than i would have had...

a $1.6 million car, that didn't look like it was going that fast for this to happen (the driver said a pelican flew in front of or into the car) needs to be handled by special driving. Bugatti requires everyone who buy the Veyron to go through a special training before delivery since the car is a 16 cylinder 1000 horsepower auto. i guess the guy wasn't paying very good attention. he probably will have to go to driver's training again...

heads-up from AutoBlog - Bugatti Bird-gate Followup: Driver identity revealed [*UPDATE: Now with actual crash video!]

weekender...

This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Mary Poppins.



Try it without looking at the answers.

It works!

Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
You will get your answer by adding these two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.



Good Luck

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It is:

1. Gone with the wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Oliver

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins.


well, now... shouldn't you be ashamed of yourself?

Maxx is... um, that is, he's ashamed of you. he could give a rat's ass for himself...








he can be sooooo evil!

i've not forsaken "no matter what..."

but i've been doing more on FaceBook - as I think a lot of people have been doing.

i think it's because there can be a more instant response than on a blog.

there is a FaceBook badge on the right, if you're interested. you'll have to request to add me as a friend, just mention "no matter what..." in your message so i know you are coming from here.

if you're not on FaceBook, why are you waiting?

in the meantime, i'll post from time to time here, until i get back into it, and weekender and monday morning mayhem will continue. [this week, i just totally forgot it was Monday. i know. that's pretty bad...]