weekender...

TOP 17 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED FOR HALLOWEEN FROM WATCHING SCARY MOVIES:

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!



why do people never learn?

this is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY...

NOT TRUE...

89%How Addicted to Apple Are You?

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

it lies...

it should be 100%!

monday morning mayhem...

lost my greeter job at Wal*Mart...

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day........

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...


you might have to think this one through...

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants.... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


so..., how many times did you have to read it before you understood? tell the truth.

you may be a blonde and not know it...




emergency preparedness...

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!


i know what you're thinking...

another blonde joke! right?



Maxx says - no comment

weekender...

Nurses are not supposed to laugh...



"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor Laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.


how embarrassing, but i wonder who was more embarrassed?

Slap Your Coworker Day...

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is today, October 23rd!!

October 23rd is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:





Do you have a co- worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce

SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!*

Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed... other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping on October 23rd... and have a great slapping day!


*note: they also have extended this beyond just co-workers - republicans are fair game too...

ummm, i hope you understand that this is a joke, right?

well, except the part about the republicans...

weekender...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied..... "The balcony."

i'm not sure where i'm living anymore...

this is for real; it is not a joke -

Louisiana magistrate denies marriage license to interracial couple

A justice of the peace in northern Louisiana has refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple because he believes it would harm any children born of that relationship.

“I’m not a racist,” Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in the state's Tangihapoa Parish, told the Hammond, Louisiana, Daily Star. “I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house. My main concern is for the children.”

October 15, 2009, Raw Story

"I'm not a racist?" "I'm not a racist?"

then WTF is he?

as an officer of the law, has he never heard of Loving v Virginia, 1967?

it is a 9-0 decision by the Supreme Court that struck down Virginia's miscegenation law and, consequently, all of laws like it in the country.

i had to read the story twice.

with all the crap that is going on in this country since January 21, 2009, i'm really not sure where i am anymore...

gratuitous blonde joke...

haven't had one in a long time. this one was worth the wait.


One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink...

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog!'




you just knew who would get excited about this one...

monday morning mayhem...

I just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some clothes to the starving people throughout the world

I told them to f*** off!

Anybody who can fit into my clothes ain't starving...!


sometimes i just want to
slap the s*** out of him...

Living Will...

Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such an ass...

understanding the ocean at age 6...

- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.... - Becky, age 6

- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.... - Billy, age 6

- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.... - Kylie, age 6

- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.... - Kelly, age 6

- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.... Kevin, age 6


so wise... especially Kevin.

JFK Hates Democracy...

i was watching the two-part series on the Discovery Channel, JFK: 3 Shots That Changed America, earlier this evening, and at the beginning i struck by something that i saw in vintage film that was being shown.

the footage was of JFK & Jackie getting ready to board Air Force One in Fort Worth for the short flight to Dallas. The date was November 22, 1963.

in the crowd of mostly well wishers and people that were excited to see the President and First Lady was a man in a fedora and trench coat. he was holding a large sign that said:

JFK Hates Democracy

this film was shot approximately 2-3 hours before Mr. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas.

this was 1963. a time when the country was portrayed as having a mission to repel the evils of communism and socialism, and here, standing in the crowd, was a man spewing the same type of hate we are seeing in this country now with President Obama.

it was eerie. it was unbelievable to me when i first saw it on the television. i was 17 at the time and i never saw this kind of thing back then.

the one thing different between 1963 and today is that the monsters who are spreading this hate today are more virulent and actually calling for the impeach and assassination of a President of the United States out loud ans supported and egged on by people who claim to be patriots and members of the media.

sad news...

i was a bit shocked when i read this morning that Stephen Gately from the group Boyzone was found dead in his hotel room. he was only 33.

the group was the inspiration for the first half of the title of this blog. it's an Andrew Lloyd Webber song from the musical Whistle Down the Wind.

the first time i heard the song was in a performance by the group celebrating Webber's birthday at Royal Albert Hall. Stephen is the lead in the performance and the song instantly struck a chord in me, definitely because of personal struggles. it has meant a lot to me ever since.

as i said, it was the muse for the first half of the blog title - no matter what...

words for today's United States...

"The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves and then we shall save our country.

"Fellow citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this congress and this administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance or insignificance can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation. We, even we here, hold the power and bear the responsibility...."

in this time of crisis with all the forces denigrating and questioning and bombarding us from within, the rest of the world is declaring itself to be back in our corner with the Nobel Peace prize award. they see hope where there has been none for the last several years.

the self-ascribed patriots who live in this country are attacking the very core of its basis and doing it under the guise of their love of country. they are doing everything in their power to derail progress and hope. they avidly state that they want Obama to fail. they openly declare he should be impeached for unknown offenses. they have prediction sites for people to guess when he will be assassinated.

these people hate their country and they are being lead by self-aggrandizing demagogues using the freedom of speech of which they truly believe only they should have. they lie; they cheat; they twist words; and they border on the traitorous with their accusations that others are the turncoats.

they have hijacked the progress of this country. they have worked against the will and promise of the founders of it. they bastardize the words of the founders and ignore their true meaning. worse, they do it in a self-righteous misreading of the worship they portray, their own personal version of judeo-christian dogma at the expense of the true intent of the scripture they spout so often and to the detriment of others with different beliefs.

the quotes that open this post describe more than adequately and with great precision the state we find ourselves in today. the person saying them accurately identifies the force behind the attacks and the situation of the United States and what is happening right now.

sadly, they also give more credence to the George Santayana quote that is always in the right corner of this blog - “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

also, they make the old French adage "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" even truer - the more things change, the more they stay the same....

who originally spoke these words? i would bet certain elements reading them would say Barack Obama, because they would want to use them to discredit him even more.

they would be wrong.

Abraham Lincoln in his Annual Message to Congress, December 1, 1862 wrote the words.

weekender...

how many times have you felt like doing something like this?

Hate Crimes Bill...

from Pam's House Blend

House Passes Federal Hate Crimes Legislation

The House of Representatives today passed the Defense Authorization Act of 2010 (H.R. 2467), which includes the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act -- the federal hate crimes legislation.

From what I've been reading, it looks likely the bill will be passed by the Senate next week.

Autumn Sandeen

this has been a long struggle and maybe for the first time the end is in sight.

Autumn points out that the Senate is expected to pass the bill next week. it would be monumental if they were to do it on Monday, October 12th - the 11th anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard, for whom the bill is named.

the first question that came to me is, "Will I feel any safer?"

i really don't know how to answer that. the bill makes harming anyone through hate a crime an illegal act punishable by lay. what it doesn't do is make people understand that doing such a thing is wrong, and it is wrong according to the religion(s) to which the majority of them belong.

of course, we will also be facing years of court case after court case that the christianists will pursue...

sorry, the cynic in me is always lurking. i am happy that this bill is moving forward to enactment and maybe, just maybe, it will save a Matthew Shepard's or Gwen Araujo's life in the future.

we can only hope...

as they did to the Clinton's...,

there is absolutely nothing that the christianist, right-wingnut, ultra-conservative, faux-News crowd will do to stop attacking Obama.

there is nothing that he can do right for them. they have made it very clear that they are against him in every way. they've done this from continuing to spread the lie of his birth to denying that they are being racist - no matter how much truth is thrown into their faces. they continue to lie and call any one sane who decries their mistruths to be unpatriotic and traitors, while they are the worst kind of christians they purport to be.

there is something Obama can do right for the rest of us though:

stop the wishful thinking bi-partisan BS and go on the attack to get the frakking job done.

hit them where it hurts the most - their pocketbooks!

oh, and as far as the conservative Democrats, the correct threats were finally made yesterday telling them if they don't start toeing the line that 1) they could lose their committee chairperson standings and 2) the reconciliation voting will be invoked to cut off the Republican filibuster threats - just like the Repubs did for Bush with his tax rebates for the rich!

it's time the gloves came off.

what's that famous movie line?

oh, yeah...

I'm as mad as hell
and I'm not going to take this any more!

Howard Beale, Anchor from the movie Network

groaner...

"FLU UPDATE "

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

weekender...

late in the day but things have been hectic...

from a comment on Pam's House Blend article: Vatican: sex abuse in Catholic Church was a homo problem, not pedophilia


Question: What does an atheist do when they fall to the floor and start "speaking in tongues"?

Answer: Get a CAT scan.


read the article it's attached to. it's beyond the pale. these old white men of the cloth have no sense of what's going on in the world today. they are so out of touch with reality that they already think they are in heaven.

i was at the Vatican and its museums just a couple of weeks ago. i was defending all of the art collections to my friends with the argument that if the stuff wasn't there it may just have been lost to all.

maybe it would be better off lost...