ho... ho... ho...

monday morning mayhem...

my apologies to you Eastcoasters...

this came a little late to help you this weekend -

You have been chosen to receive the blessing of the Snow Fairy.

The Snow Fairy can bring you good fortune for one whole year.

May YOU be blessed by his good deeds.....

Christmas thought

- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?







the Christmas bird...










on a happier note...

weekender...

Christmas Bird

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; 'Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

Chet now starts to sing 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'

groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

i agree...

it was cute...

and it was funny, but...

weekender...

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.


i can't tell you the number of times this happened to me over the years. you really don't know whether to laugh or cry, actually.

monday morning mayhem...

Minnesota Quarters

Hang on to any of the new Minnesota quarters you may acquire. They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin-operated devices. The problem lies in the unique makeup of the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.


ho... ho... ho... damn!


Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's "Best Decorated House" contest due to my bad attitude!




there's always next year...



Jesus knows your here - - -


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler...


Jesus





i don't know who is laughing louder at these
Maxx or me...


hope you don't meet Jesus!

monday morning mayhem...

you KNOW you are going to try these when you get to work...




'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

and 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.' uses every letter of the alphabet.

'TYPEWRITER' is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.



should a three-year-old watch childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought, about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... Smack his ass again!"


Maxx's all time favorite joke...

Dinner party for 8 - $250 ...

Wine for guests - $80...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there...

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then...

In...

Walks...

The...

Dog...

yes, he piddled a little when he saw this...

weekender...

annual festival that was held this past Wednesday. you just missed it...

i was having a surgical procedure so i couldn't make it. i'm about 15 miles from Huntley right now and i have been to the town before.




you can go up there and have a ball?

don't believe it's real? here is the mascot -



and here is the website - Turkey Testicle Festival



shut up, Maxx...
he's in hysterics because he said
i've had worse things in my mouth,
bitch...

Happy Thanksgiving...

and don't worry about over eating or eating too much or going of your regimen.

and remember...

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."

-- Jackie Gleason

eat, drink, be Mary... errr, marry... um, merry... whatever!

when you're just too busy to be impatient...

monday morning mayhem...

sick leave...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the world are you doing? ' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'



(You're gonna love this....)



She said,.... "I'm going home too. You know darn well -- I can't possibly work in the dark!"


important life provoking thoughts...


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Never take life seriously; Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


there will be a quiz on Friday...


bonus question...

and...

we'll say have a good week with a Maxine classic...

weekender...

if you're gonna party this weekend, just think how you look...


after 2 glasses of wine...


or

after 6 beers...


or

after 2 bottles of wine - shared of course...


or

after too many margaritas...


or

after 7 rum & cokes...


or

after 3 kamikazes...


or

after 3 martinis...


or

after 1 large purple haze...




or


after 1 bottle of tequila...


... goes along with the old chant

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...





sure, he laughs now...
but i've seen Maxx on a Monday...
no laughing matter then.

monday morning mayhem...

only a farm kid...

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently...

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."



iTit...




Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them....

Apple closed at $204.45 on Friday. it's gonna DOUBLE with this one...


little kids always get it right...

sad or silly Veyron mishap...

oops!



beside the fact that these guys don't know a Buggati Veyron from a Lamborghini (they really look nothing alike) their response seeing the mishap is much milder than i would have had...

a $1.6 million car, that didn't look like it was going that fast for this to happen (the driver said a pelican flew in front of or into the car) needs to be handled by special driving. Bugatti requires everyone who buy the Veyron to go through a special training before delivery since the car is a 16 cylinder 1000 horsepower auto. i guess the guy wasn't paying very good attention. he probably will have to go to driver's training again...

heads-up from AutoBlog - Bugatti Bird-gate Followup: Driver identity revealed [*UPDATE: Now with actual crash video!]

weekender...

This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Mary Poppins.



Try it without looking at the answers.

It works!

Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
You will get your answer by adding these two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.



Good Luck

|
|
|
|
|
|









It is:

1. Gone with the wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Oliver

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins.


well, now... shouldn't you be ashamed of yourself?

Maxx is... um, that is, he's ashamed of you. he could give a rat's ass for himself...








he can be sooooo evil!

i've not forsaken "no matter what..."

but i've been doing more on FaceBook - as I think a lot of people have been doing.

i think it's because there can be a more instant response than on a blog.

there is a FaceBook badge on the right, if you're interested. you'll have to request to add me as a friend, just mention "no matter what..." in your message so i know you are coming from here.

if you're not on FaceBook, why are you waiting?

in the meantime, i'll post from time to time here, until i get back into it, and weekender and monday morning mayhem will continue. [this week, i just totally forgot it was Monday. i know. that's pretty bad...]

name your favorite modern pharisee...

def. pharisee a hypocritically self-righteous person

who on the radar these days fits into this definition and is your favorite?

i'll start with three:

1. Pastor Gary Cass of the Christian Anti-Defamation League
2. Rush Limbaugh
3. Sarah Palin

man, that was difficult narrowing it down to three. there are so many choices...


if you don't want to vomit, don't click on the links i provided. i just couldn't bring myself to put one in for Palin.

weekender...

remember the old astute question, "What did you do with the money your mother gave you for singing lessons?"

well here's a better one:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT!

MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.....

and just why is it that we need lawyers?

just asking...

monday morning mayhem...

a late morning addition that i just couldn't pass up.

of course it's a blonde joke...


During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "Duh, it has to be at least 8 characters long...."

monday morning mayhem...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..



That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.





The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236, 284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.





The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, ! this one made of sapphire . And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


...silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight










... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.







DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!

damn...

weekender...

TOP 17 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED FOR HALLOWEEN FROM WATCHING SCARY MOVIES:

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!



why do people never learn?

this is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY...

NOT TRUE...

89%How Addicted to Apple Are You?

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

it lies...

it should be 100%!

monday morning mayhem...

lost my greeter job at Wal*Mart...

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day........

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...


you might have to think this one through...

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants.... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


so..., how many times did you have to read it before you understood? tell the truth.

you may be a blonde and not know it...




emergency preparedness...

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!


i know what you're thinking...

another blonde joke! right?



Maxx says - no comment

weekender...

Nurses are not supposed to laugh...



"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor Laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.


how embarrassing, but i wonder who was more embarrassed?

Slap Your Coworker Day...

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is today, October 23rd!!

October 23rd is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:





Do you have a co- worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce

SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!*

Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed... other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping on October 23rd... and have a great slapping day!


*note: they also have extended this beyond just co-workers - republicans are fair game too...

ummm, i hope you understand that this is a joke, right?

well, except the part about the republicans...

weekender...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied..... "The balcony."

i'm not sure where i'm living anymore...

this is for real; it is not a joke -

Louisiana magistrate denies marriage license to interracial couple

A justice of the peace in northern Louisiana has refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple because he believes it would harm any children born of that relationship.

“I’m not a racist,” Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in the state's Tangihapoa Parish, told the Hammond, Louisiana, Daily Star. “I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house. My main concern is for the children.”

October 15, 2009, Raw Story

"I'm not a racist?" "I'm not a racist?"

then WTF is he?

as an officer of the law, has he never heard of Loving v Virginia, 1967?

it is a 9-0 decision by the Supreme Court that struck down Virginia's miscegenation law and, consequently, all of laws like it in the country.

i had to read the story twice.

with all the crap that is going on in this country since January 21, 2009, i'm really not sure where i am anymore...

gratuitous blonde joke...

haven't had one in a long time. this one was worth the wait.


One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink...

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog!'




you just knew who would get excited about this one...

monday morning mayhem...

I just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some clothes to the starving people throughout the world

I told them to f*** off!

Anybody who can fit into my clothes ain't starving...!


sometimes i just want to
slap the s*** out of him...

Living Will...

Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such an ass...

understanding the ocean at age 6...

- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.... - Becky, age 6

- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.... - Billy, age 6

- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.... - Kylie, age 6

- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.... - Kelly, age 6

- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.... Kevin, age 6


so wise... especially Kevin.