no matter what... eschew obfuscation

be careful what you wish for...

2011-10-30T11:52:00.001-05:00

this puts crazy eyes across the line & into the sanity column...

email request to expand House Homeland Security investigation into 'homegrown' extremism...

2011-03-11T13:23:00.004-06:00

here is the full text of the email i sent to the Democratic minority members of Rep. King's investigation into 'homegrown' extremism requesting they ask for an expansion of the hearing to include ALL extremism:

"Date: March 11, 2011

To:
Bennie Thompson, Mississippi, Ranking Member
Loretta Sanchez, California
Jane Harman, California
Sheila Jackson-Lee, Texas
Henry Cuellar, Texas
Yvette Clarke, New York
Laura Richardson, California
Donna Christian-Christensen, Virgin Islands
Danny K. Davis, Illinois
Brian Higgins, New York
Jackie Speier, California
Cedric Richmond, Louisiana
Hansen Clarke, Michigan
William R. Keating, Massachusetts

Re: Request for Expansion of Hearing on public examination of Muslim extremism in America

From: J Michael Ireland

In light of Chairman King's investigation into the public examination of Muslim extremism in America, I believe it would be of greater benefit to our country to expand the investigation of extremism to include groups of all faiths including Christians, Mormons, Jews, Jehovah Witnesses, etc. along with all other extremist groups identified by the Department of Homeland security. It should include all sides of the spectrum - including the right and the left. I would include the political parties also, eg Democrats, Republicans, Teabaggers, Independents, Green. etc,.as well as groups such as PETA, Cato Institute, SEIU, Alliance Defense Fund, AFL-CIO, etal.

We will never get a true picture of just how much extremism is effecting/affecting our security unless a thorough study is completed. Focusing on only one group is unclear and incomplete. We should leave no stone unturned.

With the recent occurrences such as what happened to Rep. Giffords, the bomb at the Martin Luther King Jr. parade, and the murder of Dr. George Tiller, it would behoove us to have a complete picture of all threats.

Though I realize that the majority on the committee would probably vote down any such motion, I believe it should be brought to the attention of the American people as a whole.

I also request a personal favor. Unfortunately, I was unable to find all of the minority members' email addresses and would appreciate it if you could share my concern with those I could not contact. Thank you, very much.

I appreciate your taking time to consider this request and I hope that you will be able to calm the sense of urgency and fear that the entire country has been hit with by Mr. King's hearings. It is of the utmost importance that every aspect of this concern be addressed.

Very truly yours,

J Michael Ireland
jm****@comcast.net

There is nothing wrong; only things that are missing."

"The Meaning of Matthew: My Son's Murder in Laramie, and a World Transformed"

2011-03-07T11:29:00.001-06:00

The Meaning of Matthew: My Son's Murder in Laramie, and a World Transformed by Judy Shepard

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

there are things in the book not generally known to the public that are not just surprising but also heart-wrenching; for example, his great-uncle walking into the church for his memorial service had a heart attack and died! the family didn't know about it until after the service. the firs 2/3's of the book really makes Matthew more human than image and the struggles that he went through explain a lot of why his story is so thought-provoking. the last part of the book winds down almost too quickly and is the only negative i have about the book. Judy Shepard has to be commended for putting this story to paper and make the title come true - The Meaning of Matthew. EVERYONE should read this book...

View all my reviews

captain bullshit...

2011-02-24T14:07:00.002-06:00

got this email from a friend...

Senator Alan Simpson, from Wyoming, calls senior citizens the Greediest Generation as he compared " Social Security " to a Milk Cow with 310 million teats. August, 2010 .

Here’s a response in a letter from a unknown fellow in Montana, I think he is a little ticked off !

“Hey Alan, let’s get a few things straight…

1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS.

2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63.)

3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud.

4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN.

5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills.

6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bums spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt.

To add insult to injury, you label us “greedy” for calling “bullshit” on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU.

1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?

2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?

3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and health care benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators who are “greedy”. It is you and they who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes.

That’s right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.

And you can take that to the bank, you miserable SOB ”

i don't think i can add any more to this...

child abuse...

2010-12-06T07:33:00.002-06:00

The Fight Against Child Abuse - today is the International Day for the Elimination of Child Abuse. it has really caught on at FaceBook; some people question what good is changing a profile picture;

if it effects only 1 person, it is good!

in my career in Education i have seen & dealt with too many, and too many is more than one, abused children and each one broke my heart...

no one is alone...

2010-08-19T20:13:00.002-05:00

sung by Bernadette Peters
from "Into The Woods"
by Stephen Sondheim

No one here to guide you
Now you're on your own
Only me beside you
Still your not alone
No one is alone
Truley
No one is alone

Sometimes people leave you
Half-way through the wood
Others may decieve you
You decide whats good
You decide alone
But no one is alone

People make mistakes
Father's, Mother's
People make mistakes
Holding to their own
Thinking they're alone

Honor their mistakes
Everybody makes
One another's terrible mistakes

Witches can be right
Giants can be good
You decide whats right
You decide whats good
Just remember

Someone is on your side
Someone else is not
Well we're seeing our side
Maybe we forgot
They are not alone
Cause no one is alone

Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now
We can make it so
Someone is on your side
No one is alone

cross posted on my macarthur park website...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-08-13T11:13:00.001-05:00

beware the copy room...

Ole's special diet...

Ole was turning 88 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc: 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions? '

Ole nodded..... I'll tell you though, by Golly, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day.

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

Ole: 'Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin'!

ummm, yes... Ole is a blonde..............

monday morning mayhem...

2010-08-09T04:30:00.003-05:00

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little s**t.

monday morning mayhem...

2010-08-02T04:52:00.000-05:00

militancy...

my thanks to Richard Scott for the heads up on this one...

home invasion; just when you thought you were safe...

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, Honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline..... I told him it was in the bathroom.

research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does !!!

i don't understand why Maxx isn't in better shape!!!

weekender...

2010-07-30T00:17:00.001-05:00

finally, the answer to one of the most annoying questions...

and for anyone looking at office departures...

the importance of sentence structure...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

he's so embarrased...

when it seeps into the comics...

2010-07-25T08:57:00.002-05:00

it's gotta be bad...

weekender...

2010-07-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

and that's when the fight started...

My partner was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

He was not happy with what he saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

and that's when the fight started........

weekender...

2010-07-16T01:56:00.000-05:00

and that's how it started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my partner kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of.

First, the truck, the car, new playlists, always something more important to me.

Finally he thought of a clever way to make his point. When I arrived home one day, I found him seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed him a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-07-12T04:53:00.000-05:00

the weekend report...

So I lost the pub trivia contest over the weekend by 1 point.

Damn!!!

The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

.......apparently the correct answer is Fiji

you all have a dirty mind...

statistics...

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

who'd a-thought...

new demographic map of Florida...

why didn't SCOTUS have this map in 2000 with the Bush v. Gore case? i'm only going all the way south to the Keys; you know - Margaritaville and Gay Haven...

one of the perks of turning 60...

People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

oh, and...

Tab Hunter turned 79 years old yesterday! Damn...

weekender...

2010-06-25T00:02:00.000-05:00

A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

i knew Simon would get it!
it was a 'roofer' for Maxx...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-06-21T00:50:00.000-05:00

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

weekender...

2010-06-18T01:20:00.000-05:00

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 1st grade student...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Maxx brought home a new friend;
he says he's related to Alvin;
i doubt it...

ummm...

2010-06-17T23:29:00.000-05:00

rats, i forgot what it was...

weekender...

2010-06-11T04:15:00.001-05:00

Bubba goes to college...

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.

"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the Years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed To have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks: "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats"

monday morning mayhem...

2010-06-07T03:07:00.000-05:00

for the return of monday morning mayhem what better than my favorite subject - kids! and these are some doozies...

Why we love children:

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she aske d her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it . What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

the entire gang loved all of these...

me too...

long time...

2010-06-06T14:26:00.004-05:00

long, long time...

i hadn't realized how long;

the most recent post - April 24th - was right before the last couple of surgeries i had to have, and they were the worst of all i've had over the last 2 1/2 years; even worse than the back surgeries;

i didn't realize how difficult these were going to be; i say these because they did two at the same time; the major one was a trans urethral resection of the prostate; the secondary one was the removal of a very large growth that grew very quickly on one of the testicles; luckily a benign cyst that had to be removed along with the epididymis;

(i know - too much information, but the truth is the truth)

the second one, understandably, was the most painful and uncomfortable; if you're male and never had something like this done, you can only imagine what the aftermath was like! thank the fates for Vicodin;

in the meantime, i've been spending most of my time using Facebook; it's quick; it's easy; and most of the time keeps you up-to-date;

i'm not completely sold on it, but it has been a really good source for news that doesn't make the major media;

of course, this is due to the fact that i've been fairly selective on who friends are; (friends is really quite a misnomer; only 5-6 on my list are truly friends in the real sense of the word!)

the worst seems to be passed, but they tell me it will take a couple of more months before most of the after effects go away;

i am rethinking a lot of things with this last episode of life and i am looking it over and deciding that another make-over is in order; i've done this before and always had a good time doing it;

i'm just not exactly certain what the change is going to be, but like i said, i want to have fun doing it...

glad to see you all again and there already is a monday morning mayhem ready for posting...

weekender...

2010-04-23T00:02:00.001-05:00

setting a secure password...

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said,

'Duh! I was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!'

i know, i know. another blonde joke, but i haven't done one in a while; actually i haven't done any jokes in a while...

weekender...

2010-04-09T04:42:00.000-05:00

'nuff said...

like Maxx has any intention of finishing...

this is the first post from the new iPad...

2010-04-03T16:46:00.004-05:00

after five hours of exploring it and using it for the first time I have only one thing to say

Wow!!!!!!!!!

this can really change computing for so many people.

I wasn't sure about getting one until a couple of days ago when I realized that most of the time I work connected and, even when I am working on other things, they have to be shared with others via email.

AND, though I primarily use a Macbook, this portability is unique.

With the addition of Pages as an app, the Apple word processing program, that i use all the time and convert to either Word documents or PDF for others to see, it suddenly dawned that it would work for me.

And it does!

One of the best features is being able to read newspapers that I read from around the world --- not to mention using it with FaceBook.

more to come...

weekender...

2010-04-02T11:27:00.002-05:00

looking for a new job? Ole was too.

Ole wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' Ole says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says Ole.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

Ole stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.'

'So, ven do I start? '

you had to know these two would get it...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-03-28T09:07:00.005-05:00

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff...

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed - instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, dang, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie ?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Donnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow.'"

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

like the man said - Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

monday morning mayhem...

2010-03-22T11:49:00.004-05:00

the veterinarian...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno'

keep this in mind for work this week...

Pics Aplenty: Bugatti 16C Galibier is back... in black — Autoblog

2010-03-16T18:17:00.001-05:00

Pics Aplenty: Bugatti 16C Galibier is back... in black — Autoblog

not the Veyron but it's big brother - maybe! it reminds me so much of the classic Bugatti Atlantique...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-03-15T00:02:00.001-05:00

your duck is dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head..

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock,took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

that's it, just the one this week because...

we are ALL ROTFLOAO...

and they wonder why we need health care reform?

monday morning mayhem...

2010-03-08T05:46:00.002-06:00

Mountain-William alarm system...

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway. I
locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. I'll be right back.

Cooter

let's have some fun this week...

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down;
Page Yourself Over The Intercom... Don't Disguise Your Voice!
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.
Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get...
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
Sing Along At The Opera.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

15. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity -

PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS...

Send This list To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called...

THERAPY

Widdle Wabbit...

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weawwy gives a thit."

Maxx really liked the Wabbit one.
go figure...

weekender...

2010-03-05T05:39:00.000-06:00

WARNING: gratuitous blonde joke...

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

it's great to be an activist...

2010-03-03T20:44:00.002-06:00

but there comes a time when you start to get tired of fighting, when you question if it makes a difference at all, when it may be time to let others, younger, keep the ball rolling...

on the other hand, i remember my friend Father Philip Berrigan & his brother Daniel; what if they had decided to give up? would Vietnam still be a nation in turmoil?

at the same time, i realize that they had a single-minded goal; no, not just to end the war, but to awaken humanity; the conversations were about inhumanity and how it prevented us from moving forward to treat each other in peace.

here we are 40 years later and we still are fighting the foes of humanity; we are battling the false witness of ultra-right, christianist wingnuts who tear down instead of build up; we struggle with proving what is just and fair when they merely come from a power struggle mentality;

i fight with myself daily trying to make a decision that i'm not sure i want to make, but each day as i read about the inequities of healthcare, the discrimination of lgbtq, the economic problems of families struggling to make a life for themselves, and the movement towards a theocratic country and i get closer and closer to that decision - one to get out...

teabagging...

2010-03-03T20:39:00.002-06:00

get your mind out of the gutter...

but... imho, the teabaggers have been hijacked by the far right and Faux News in direct opposition to what baggers want; and the Becks et al have kept hidden from them the truth on what they historically are basing their 'movement' on"

"It turns out that that the tea baggers, led in part by Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds and the Coward Rick Santelli, are politically more in line with the tax policies of King George than the views of the Sons of Liberty and the colonial patriots. The tax baggers emulating a protest against a corporate tax cut — but, oddly, in support of tax cuts for the rich and corporations. Furthermore, King George was against a corporate bailout loan. And so are the tea baggers."
Suzie-Q's Truth and Justice Blog, 3/18/09

if you look closely before the Palin's, Becks etc got a hold on the teabaggers, you will see that they started out wanting the same change that Obama campaigned on; namely, getting the biggest government ever created, by Tsar George, to move in reverse; the Faux News people won't let the blame fall where it belongs; they use nationalism, progressiveness, communism, nazis, etc as their watch words to keep the fear level high;

btw, it wasnt' British tea that was dumped in the harbor - it was Dutch

Olbermann's Special Comment...

2010-03-03T16:27:00.001-06:00

if you saw Keith Olbermann the other night in his Special Comment regarding a followup on his father's illness and "Death Panels", he said that though his father has been semi-conscious he has been reading to him; one thing he's been reading are short stories by James Thurber.

he ended the Special Comment by reading the story below.

The Peacelike Mongoose

by James Thurber

In cobra country a mongoose was born one day who didn't want to fight cobras or anything else. The word spread from mongoose to mongoose that there was a mongoose who didn't want to fight cobras. If he didn't want to fight anything else, it was his own business, but it was the duty of every mongoose to kill cobras or be killed by cobras.

"Why?" asked the peacelike mongoose, and the word went around that the strange new mongoose was not only pro-cobra and anti-mongoose but intellectually curious and against the ideals and traditions of mongooism.

"He is crazy," cried the young mongoose's father.

"He is sick," said his mother.

"He is a coward," shouted his brothers.

"He is a mongoosexual," whispered his sisters.

Strangers who had never laid eyes on the peacelike mongoose remembered that they had seen him crawling on his stomach, or trying on cobra hoods, or plotting the violent overthrow of Mongoosia.

"I am trying to use reason and intelligence," said the strange new mongoose.

"Reason is six-sevenths of treason," said one of his neighbors.

"Intelligence is what the enemy uses," said another.

Finally, the rumor spread that the mongoose had venom in his sting, like a cobra, and he was tried, convicted by a show of paws, and condemned to banishment.

Moral: Ashes to ashes, and clay to clay, if the enemy doesn't get you, your own folks may.

sadly, the people who most need to here this story probably wouldn't understand it; i wonder if the word moral might have something to do with it?

mike/

monday morning mayhem...

2010-03-01T10:00:00.002-06:00

sheesh - another two feet of snow!...

keyboard for old men...

Maxx brought a new friend home while i was away;
this one is fun...

weekender...

2010-02-12T04:17:00.001-06:00

Clean your computer screen!

You probably don't clean your computer screen very often and it is really hard to do the inside, so a present for you for the weekend is

HERE

click on the word "HERE" above and wait for a few seconds; the inside of your screen will be cleaned for you!

monday morning mayhem...

2010-02-08T04:36:00.001-06:00

fluctuations...

I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious She was a little irritated. ....

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

five reasons why NOT to complain about your job...

and finally...

i wonder how he can even get out of bed in the morning?

obviously, you can figure out
these two aren't known for working...

weekender...

2010-02-05T05:05:00.000-06:00

Little Eddie...

Little Eddie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Eddie asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Eddie, looking worried, said: "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Maxx brought home a new stray.
something tells me we're in
BIG trouble...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-02-01T05:32:00.001-06:00

eventually it happens to all of us...

The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination. The doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Jones, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband." She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

There was such a hush you could hear a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times... What we have is Blue Cross!"

monday morning mayhem...

2010-01-25T03:03:00.001-06:00

what i've learned...

Maxx, did you see this?

i knew Tom would love it.
besides, he can run faster than Maxx...

and to start the workweek...

checking to see if you give a fuck about anything today .....

Nope.
Barely moved.
Keep up the good work!

weekender...

2010-01-22T05:41:00.002-06:00

the Chippendales then...

and now...

no comment from Maxx on this one;
he couldn't stop laughing...
bitch!

Confucious say: Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

SCOTUS & the pro-Prop 8 gang...

2010-01-19T18:15:00.003-06:00

SCOTUS last week stopped a federal judge from taping and broadcasting to other judicial venues the Bois-Olson trial contesting the results of Prop 8.

one of the arguments they used agreed with the pro-Prop 8 gang that their lives could be interrupted and they could be threatened from the queer activists if their testimony were to be shown live. never mind that there is a court recorder in the room and the entire trial transcript will be available sometime in the future.

[you can follow the news and the trial at American Foundation for Equal Rights.]

on of these "testifiers", a christianist minister publicly and very loudly dropped out.

but can anyone come up with matches to these headlines regarding lgbtq people who are asking only to be treated equal to everyone else with the christianists who are not very christian?

VANDALS SLASH TIRES OF TWO DOZEN CARS AT GAY ORLANDO NIGHTCLUB

RHODE ISLAND GAY MAN'S BUSINESS TARGETED: 'FAGGOTS HAVE NO RIGHTS'

D.C. Jail guards accused of beating gay inmate

just these three are from Towleroad and DC Agenda over the last couple of days!

how many others have we seen over the years? how long did it take to pass the Matthew Shepard Act? how many more lgbtq are going to be beaten? raped? killed?

the proponents of Prop 8 have made themselves the victims when they, in fact, are the perpetrators of violence and crime and hate all in the name of a myth that clearly espouses loving your neighbor more than yourself.

i have a sense that their Jesus would now refuse to die for their sins...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-01-18T02:38:00.003-06:00

ummmm, just watch this...

be careful skydiving...

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a brazilian?"

with spring right around the corner...

it's time to start thinking about your garden. here are some questions about one choice from Allisonville Nursery in Indiana you could plant - not sure if plant is the right word to use though...

Do they bloom???

I wonder if they come in different colors?

I wonder about the fragrance?

I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?

I wonder if they bloom?

I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?

I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?

I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

I wonder if they bloom?

any more questions?

weekender...

2010-01-15T01:48:00.000-06:00

Maxx decided that there shouldn't be a weekender today.

there is really nothing funny after what happened not only in Haiti but with the responses from certain characters like Robertson and Limbaugh who use the misfortune of others as reason to espouse lies and further their hypocritical and insidious agendas.

try and have a good weekend...

Pascal's Wager...

2010-01-11T17:25:00.005-06:00

..."God is, or He is not."
Blaise Pascal's Pensees

you cannot determine either by reason.

therefore you have to take a leap of faith or place a wager...

what are the possible consequences?

if you believe there is a god and there is, you then reap the rewards that the mythology promises;

if you believe there is no god, and there isn't, you lose nothing;

if you believe there is no god, and you are wrong and there is, you suffer all of the horrors the mythology forecasts;

of course, there is Richard Dawkins' anti-Pascal Wager -

"Suppose we grant that there is indeed some small chance that God exists. Nevertheless, it could be said that you will lead a better, fuller life if you bet on his not existing, than if you bet on his existing and therefore squander your precious time on worshipping him, sacrificing to him, fighting and dying for him, etc."

from The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

however, no one will make any odds available...

now, not to waste Pascal's thinking, it is responsible for four really important things: 1) charted new territory in probability theory; 2) one of the first attempts at using the idea of infinity; 3) the first use of decision theory; and 4) made possible the future philosophy of pragmatism.

not bad for a non-betting man...

my wager?

i prefer playing the ponies...

Pascal's Wager - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Posted using ShareThis

monday morning mayhem...

2010-01-11T05:33:00.001-06:00

and they want to update to computerized medical records?

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in patients records.........

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: - Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Stay away from hospitals!

swine flu worries...

I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern:

3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow disease.

2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu.

This year.Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu.

Next year is the year of the cock... ANYBODY ELSE WORRIED?

or

REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT?

the Facebook experiment...

2010-01-08T20:27:00.003-06:00

so it's been a couple few months since i joined Facebook. it's been interesting, but it lacks something.

it lacks any intimacy in the form of familiarity or real friendship.

it's selective much on the order of high school cliques.

i had hoped that it would lead to insight into things going on in the world by becoming "friends" with certain people.

it worked in some cases, and in others it was superficial at best.

there are dedicated people who use it as a clearinghouse, but even they lessen their comments and that leaves one to question what is the motivation behind their comments and posts.

i was even "unfriended" [the 2009 word of the year] by one of my personal friends because she found my posts to be depressing because i dealt with issues of people in pain and in positions where they were being either physically or mentally harmed and i questioned why no one really does anything about it.

i've thought about deactivating my account, but i'm going to keep it and follow some more. plus, i really did meet some very neat people on FB and would like to stay in contact with them.

we'll see...

weekender & monday morning mayhem.. best of 2009

2010-01-08T02:26:00.000-06:00

i've spent the last week going over all of the weekender's and monday morning mayhem's to decide THE BEST OF 2009...

well, it really was a no brainer. not only is it Maxx's favorite all time joke but it's one that should go down in the history books.

re-enjoy...

Maxx's all time favorite joke...

Dinner party for 8 - $250 ...

Wine for guests - $80...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there...

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then...

In...

Walks...

The...

Dog...

yes, he piddled a little when he saw this...

he actually piddles every time he even thinks about it...

monday morning mayhem...

2010-01-04T04:52:00.000-06:00

so, a guy walks into a bar...

stop me if you've heard this one -

A guy walks into a bar down in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from The North.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Ohio."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Ohio?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in 'tarnation' is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

getting old...

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

Confucius say,
if you can't find the book you want

you probably shopping at the

2010...

2010-01-01T00:00:00.004-06:00

2010 will be the best yet...

from all of us

last, and not least - or so he thinks - Maxx...

and me...

mike/

ho... ho... ho...

2009-12-25T09:52:00.000-06:00

monday morning mayhem...

2009-12-21T05:40:00.001-06:00

my apologies to you Eastcoasters...

this came a little late to help you this weekend -

You have been chosen to receive the blessing of the Snow Fairy.

The Snow Fairy can bring you good fortune for one whole year.

May YOU be blessed by his good deeds.....

Christmas thought

- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

the Christmas bird...

on a happier note...

weekender...

2009-12-18T04:12:00.003-06:00

Christmas Bird

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; 'Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

Chet now starts to sing 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'

groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

i agree...

it was cute...

and it was funny, but...

weekender...

2009-12-11T04:05:00.002-06:00

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

i can't tell you the number of times this happened to me over the years. you really don't know whether to laugh or cry, actually.

monday morning mayhem...

2009-12-07T05:19:00.001-06:00

Minnesota Quarters

Hang on to any of the new Minnesota quarters you may acquire. They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin-operated devices. The problem lies in the unique makeup of the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

ho... ho... ho... damn!

Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's "Best Decorated House" contest due to my bad attitude!

there's always next year...

Jesus knows your here - - -

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler...

Jesus

i don't know who is laughing louder at these
Maxx or me...

hope you don't meet Jesus!

monday morning mayhem...

2009-11-30T04:17:00.001-06:00

you KNOW you are going to try these when you get to work...

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

and 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.' uses every letter of the alphabet.

'TYPEWRITER' is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

should a three-year-old watch childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought, about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... Smack his ass again!"

Maxx's all time favorite joke...

Dinner party for 8 - $250 ...

Wine for guests - $80...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there...

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then...

In...

Walks...

The...

Dog...

yes, he piddled a little when he saw this...

weekender...

2009-11-27T05:41:00.002-06:00

annual festival that was held this past Wednesday. you just missed it...

i was having a surgical procedure so i couldn't make it. i'm about 15 miles from Huntley right now and i have been to the town before.

you can go up there and have a ball?

don't believe it's real? here is the mascot -

and here is the website - Turkey Testicle Festival

shut up, Maxx...
he's in hysterics because he said
i've had worse things in my mouth,
bitch...

Happy Thanksgiving...

2009-11-26T03:15:00.001-06:00

and don't worry about over eating or eating too much or going of your regimen.

and remember...

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."

-- Jackie Gleason

eat, drink, be Mary... errr, marry... um, merry... whatever!

when you're just too busy to be impatient...

2009-11-23T20:10:00.001-06:00

monday morning mayhem...

2009-11-23T06:08:00.001-06:00

sick leave...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the world are you doing? ' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)

She said,.... "I'm going home too. You know darn well -- I can't possibly work in the dark!"

important life provoking thoughts...

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Never take life seriously; Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

there will be a quiz on Friday...

bonus question...

and...

we'll say have a good week with a Maxine classic...

weekender...

2009-11-20T05:49:00.001-06:00

if you're gonna party this weekend, just think how you look...

after 2 glasses of wine...

or

after 6 beers...

or

after 2 bottles of wine - shared of course...

or

after too many margaritas...

or

after 7 rum & cokes...

or

after 3 kamikazes...

or

after 3 martinis...

or

after 1 large purple haze...

or

after 1 bottle of tequila...

... goes along with the old chant

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

sure, he laughs now...
but i've seen Maxx on a Monday...
no laughing matter then.

monday morning mayhem...

2009-11-16T04:17:00.001-06:00

only a farm kid...

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently...

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

iTit...

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them....

Apple closed at $204.45 on Friday. it's gonna DOUBLE with this one...

little kids always get it right...

sad or silly Veyron mishap...

2009-11-14T11:42:00.004-06:00

oops!

beside the fact that these guys don't know a Buggati Veyron from a Lamborghini (they really look nothing alike) their response seeing the mishap is much milder than i would have had...

a $1.6 million car, that didn't look like it was going that fast for this to happen (the driver said a pelican flew in front of or into the car) needs to be handled by special driving. Bugatti requires everyone who buy the Veyron to go through a special training before delivery since the car is a 16 cylinder 1000 horsepower auto. i guess the guy wasn't paying very good attention. he probably will have to go to driver's training again...

heads-up from AutoBlog - Bugatti Bird-gate Followup: Driver identity revealed [*UPDATE: Now with actual crash video!]

weekender...

2009-11-13T01:12:00.002-06:00

This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Mary Poppins.

Try it without looking at the answers.

It works!

Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
You will get your answer by adding these two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.

Good Luck

|
|
|
|
|
|

It is:

1. Gone with the wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Oliver

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

well, now... shouldn't you be ashamed of yourself?

Maxx is... um, that is, he's ashamed of you. he could give a rat's ass for himself...

he can be sooooo evil!

i've not forsaken "no matter what..."

2009-11-12T11:34:00.003-06:00

but i've been doing more on FaceBook - as I think a lot of people have been doing.

i think it's because there can be a more instant response than on a blog.

there is a FaceBook badge on the right, if you're interested. you'll have to request to add me as a friend, just mention "no matter what..." in your message so i know you are coming from here.

if you're not on FaceBook, why are you waiting?

in the meantime, i'll post from time to time here, until i get back into it, and weekender and monday morning mayhem will continue. [this week, i just totally forgot it was Monday. i know. that's pretty bad...]

name your favorite modern pharisee...

2009-11-06T14:54:00.004-06:00

def. pharisee a hypocritically self-righteous person

who on the radar these days fits into this definition and is your favorite?

i'll start with three:

Pastor Gary Cass of the Christian Anti-Defamation League
Rush Limbaugh
Sarah Palin

man, that was difficult narrowing it down to three. there are so many choices...

if you don't want to vomit, don't click on the links i provided. i just couldn't bring myself to put one in for Palin.

weekender...

2009-11-06T04:24:00.001-06:00

remember the old astute question, "What did you do with the money your mother gave you for singing lessons?"

well here's a better one:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT!

MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.....

and just why is it that we need lawyers?

just asking...

monday morning mayhem...

2009-11-02T12:06:00.003-06:00

a late morning addition that i just couldn't pass up.

of course it's a blonde joke...

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "Duh, it has to be at least 8 characters long...."

monday morning mayhem...

2009-11-02T09:30:00.001-06:00

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236, 284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, ! this one made of sapphire . And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!

damn...

weekender...

2009-10-30T03:00:00.001-05:00

TOP 17 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED FOR HALLOWEEN FROM WATCHING SCARY MOVIES:

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

why do people never learn?

this is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY...

2009-10-26T14:52:00.002-05:00

NOT TRUE...

89%

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

it lies...

it should be 100%!

monday morning mayhem...

2009-10-26T02:35:00.001-05:00

lost my greeter job at Wal*Mart...

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day........

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

you might have to think this one through...

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants.... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

so..., how many times did you have to read it before you understood? tell the truth.

you may be a blonde and not know it...

emergency preparedness...

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

i know what you're thinking...

another blonde joke! right?

Maxx says - no comment

weekender...

2009-10-23T07:30:00.000-05:00

Nurses are not supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor Laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

how embarrassing, but i wonder who was more embarrassed?

Slap Your Coworker Day...

2009-10-23T04:54:00.002-05:00

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is today, October 23rd!!

October 23rd is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co- worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce

SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!*

Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed... other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping on October 23rd... and have a great slapping day!

*note: they also have extended this beyond just co-workers - republicans are fair game too...

ummm, i hope you understand that this is a joke, right?

well, except the part about the republicans...

weekender...

2009-10-16T08:16:00.001-05:00

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied..... "The balcony."

i'm not sure where i'm living anymore...

2009-10-15T17:41:00.004-05:00

this is for real; it is not a joke -

Louisiana magistrate denies marriage license to interracial couple

A justice of the peace in northern Louisiana has refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple because he believes it would harm any children born of that relationship.

“I’m not a racist,” Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in the state's Tangihapoa Parish, told the Hammond, Louisiana, Daily Star. “I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house. My main concern is for the children.”
October 15, 2009, Raw Story

"I'm not a racist?" "I'm not a racist?"

then WTF is he?

as an officer of the law, has he never heard of Loving v Virginia, 1967?

it is a 9-0 decision by the Supreme Court that struck down Virginia's miscegenation law and, consequently, all of laws like it in the country.

i had to read the story twice.

with all the crap that is going on in this country since January 21, 2009, i'm really not sure where i am anymore...

gratuitous blonde joke...

2009-10-13T12:36:00.004-05:00

haven't had one in a long time. this one was worth the wait.

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink...

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog!'

you just knew who would get excited about this one...

monday morning mayhem...

2009-10-12T03:44:00.003-05:00

I just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some clothes to the starving people throughout the world

I told them to f*** off!

Anybody who can fit into my clothes ain't starving...!

sometimes i just want to
slap the s*** out of him...

Living Will...

Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such an ass...

understanding the ocean at age 6...

- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.... - Becky, age 6

- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.... - Billy, age 6

- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.... - Kylie, age 6

- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.... - Kelly, age 6

- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.... Kevin, age 6

so wise... especially Kevin.

JFK Hates Democracy...

2009-10-11T22:18:00.002-05:00

i was watching the two-part series on the Discovery Channel, JFK: 3 Shots That Changed America, earlier this evening, and at the beginning i struck by something that i saw in vintage film that was being shown.

the footage was of JFK & Jackie getting ready to board Air Force One in Fort Worth for the short flight to Dallas. The date was November 22, 1963.

in the crowd of mostly well wishers and people that were excited to see the President and First Lady was a man in a fedora and trench coat. he was holding a large sign that said:

JFK Hates Democracy

this film was shot approximately 2-3 hours before Mr. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas.

this was 1963. a time when the country was portrayed as having a mission to repel the evils of communism and socialism, and here, standing in the crowd, was a man spewing the same type of hate we are seeing in this country now with President Obama.

it was eerie. it was unbelievable to me when i first saw it on the television. i was 17 at the time and i never saw this kind of thing back then.

the one thing different between 1963 and today is that the monsters who are spreading this hate today are more virulent and actually calling for the impeach and assassination of a President of the United States out loud ans supported and egged on by people who claim to be patriots and members of the media.

sad news...

2009-10-11T17:21:00.003-05:00

i was a bit shocked when i read this morning that Stephen Gately from the group Boyzone was found dead in his hotel room. he was only 33.

the group was the inspiration for the first half of the title of this blog. it's an Andrew Lloyd Webber song from the musical Whistle Down the Wind.

the first time i heard the song was in a performance by the group celebrating Webber's birthday at Royal Albert Hall. Stephen is the lead in the performance and the song instantly struck a chord in me, definitely because of personal struggles. it has meant a lot to me ever since.

as i said, it was the muse for the first half of the blog title - no matter what...

words for today's United States...

2009-10-10T13:17:00.005-05:00

"The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves and then we shall save our country.

"Fellow citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this congress and this administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance or insignificance can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation. We, even we here, hold the power and bear the responsibility...."

in this time of crisis with all the forces denigrating and questioning and bombarding us from within, the rest of the world is declaring itself to be back in our corner with the Nobel Peace prize award. they see hope where there has been none for the last several years.

the self-ascribed patriots who live in this country are attacking the very core of its basis and doing it under the guise of their love of country. they are doing everything in their power to derail progress and hope. they avidly state that they want Obama to fail. they openly declare he should be impeached for unknown offenses. they have prediction sites for people to guess when he will be assassinated.

these people hate their country and they are being lead by self-aggrandizing demagogues using the freedom of speech of which they truly believe only they should have. they lie; they cheat; they twist words; and they border on the traitorous with their accusations that others are the turncoats.

they have hijacked the progress of this country. they have worked against the will and promise of the founders of it. they bastardize the words of the founders and ignore their true meaning. worse, they do it in a self-righteous misreading of the worship they portray, their own personal version of judeo-christian dogma at the expense of the true intent of the scripture they spout so often and to the detriment of others with different beliefs.

the quotes that open this post describe more than adequately and with great precision the state we find ourselves in today. the person saying them accurately identifies the force behind the attacks and the situation of the United States and what is happening right now.

sadly, they also give more credence to the George Santayana quote that is always in the right corner of this blog - “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

also, they make the old French adage "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" even truer - the more things change, the more they stay the same....

who originally spoke these words? i would bet certain elements reading them would say Barack Obama, because they would want to use them to discredit him even more.

they would be wrong.

Abraham Lincoln in his Annual Message to Congress, December 1, 1862 wrote the words.

weekender...

2009-10-09T11:43:00.002-05:00

how many times have you felt like doing something like this?

Hate Crimes Bill...

2009-10-08T18:59:00.002-05:00

from Pam's House Blend

House Passes Federal Hate Crimes Legislation

The House of Representatives today passed the Defense Authorization Act of 2010 (H.R. 2467), which includes the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act -- the federal hate crimes legislation.

From what I've been reading, it looks likely the bill will be passed by the Senate next week.
Autumn Sandeen

this has been a long struggle and maybe for the first time the end is in sight.

Autumn points out that the Senate is expected to pass the bill next week. it would be monumental if they were to do it on Monday, October 12th - the 11th anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard, for whom the bill is named.

the first question that came to me is, "Will I feel any safer?"

i really don't know how to answer that. the bill makes harming anyone through hate a crime an illegal act punishable by lay. what it doesn't do is make people understand that doing such a thing is wrong, and it is wrong according to the religion(s) to which the majority of them belong.

of course, we will also be facing years of court case after court case that the christianists will pursue...

sorry, the cynic in me is always lurking. i am happy that this bill is moving forward to enactment and maybe, just maybe, it will save a Matthew Shepard's or Gwen Araujo's life in the future.

we can only hope...

as they did to the Clinton's...,

2009-10-08T16:05:00.005-05:00

there is absolutely nothing that the christianist, right-wingnut, ultra-conservative, faux-News crowd will do to stop attacking Obama.

there is nothing that he can do right for them. they have made it very clear that they are against him in every way. they've done this from continuing to spread the lie of his birth to denying that they are being racist - no matter how much truth is thrown into their faces. they continue to lie and call any one sane who decries their mistruths to be unpatriotic and traitors, while they are the worst kind of christians they purport to be.

there is something Obama can do right for the rest of us though:

stop the wishful thinking bi-partisan BS and go on the attack to get the frakking job done.

hit them where it hurts the most - their pocketbooks!

oh, and as far as the conservative Democrats, the correct threats were finally made yesterday telling them if they don't start toeing the line that 1) they could lose their committee chairperson standings and 2) the reconciliation voting will be invoked to cut off the Republican filibuster threats - just like the Repubs did for Bush with his tax rebates for the rich!

it's time the gloves came off.

what's that famous movie line?

oh, yeah...

I'm as mad as hell
and I'm not going to take this any more!

Howard Beale, Anchor from the movie Network

groaner...

2009-10-07T18:35:00.002-05:00

"FLU UPDATE "

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

weekender...

2009-10-02T18:23:00.002-05:00

late in the day but things have been hectic...

from a comment on Pam's House Blend article: Vatican: sex abuse in Catholic Church was a homo problem, not pedophilia

Question: What does an atheist do when they fall to the floor and start "speaking in tongues"?

Answer: Get a CAT scan.

read the article it's attached to. it's beyond the pale. these old white men of the cloth have no sense of what's going on in the world today. they are so out of touch with reality that they already think they are in heaven.

i was at the Vatican and its museums just a couple of weeks ago. i was defending all of the art collections to my friends with the argument that if the stuff wasn't there it may just have been lost to all.

maybe it would be better off lost...

if you haven't seen this yet...

2009-09-22T18:28:00.002-05:00

Jay Leno's 10@10 Segment with Barney Frank

they could be a comic duo that would rival Abbott & Costello...

weekender...

2009-09-18T08:39:00.001-05:00

a mysoginistic tome for the weekend...

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, does not make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END.

how the Republicans frakked everything up...

2009-09-17T12:29:00.003-05:00

here is the perfect example of the kind of thing that the banks, insurance companies, pharmaceuticals, etc., all great supporters of the Republican Party over the decades, have used to screw everyone over...

now, of course, through the likes of Glen Beck, Limbaugh and FauxNews, they are in the business of canning hot air also...

oh, and bringing racism to its next level as they deny it vehemently.

JUST one place i've been the last month...

2009-09-16T12:50:00.002-05:00

Falconara Albanese, Calabria, Italy

i've been on the go - Egypt, Greece, Italy - and this was really the highlight of the trip.

Falconara Albanese is in the mountains in the South of Italy, in Calabria. it sits on the side of a mountain. it has been there for 700 years. it was founded by Albania exiles in order to protect themselves from Turkish invaders that pushed them out of their land in Albania.

it is also the town in which my maternal grandparents were born before immigrating to the U.S. about 100 years ago.

monday morning mayhem... for real -

2009-08-17T07:25:00.002-05:00

Kent Jones, who appears regularly on the Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC has discovered exactly what has become of this country; how it has become the raucous, undemocratic mess it is.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

the leap is easy to this conclusion...

newest member of the Bugatti family...

2009-08-15T13:46:00.003-05:00

the
Sang Bleu

Bugatti Veyron Gran Sport
Sang Bleu
(Blue Blood)

you can check out more photos at Autoblog.

beautiful, just beautiful...

if we live in a mad world...

2009-08-11T09:04:00.001-05:00

as the wingnuts so gleefully like to exclaim, my question is

who made it that way?

just asking...

mayhem...

2009-08-10T18:11:00.003-05:00

i come back from Honduras and i have to catch up on the total mayhem about the healthcare proposal(s)...

the biggest issue seems to be on the public option.

hellllloooooooo...

we already have a public option. anyone who goes to an emergency must be cared for! who pays for that? not the government. WE do with the insurance premiums and hospital costs that are passed on to us.

so, why not take and lessen our premiums and putting them into a large national insurance fund?

as far as the Medicare bozos, they are screaming "Don't take away my Medicare." but they are the ones who scream the loudest ABOUT Medicare. are they blowing it out their mouths or their asses?

i heard one person at the riots called town meetings saying, "Read the Bill. Read the Bill." however, having read parts of the bill(s) in the short time i've been back, it's obvious who had NOT been reading the bill(s) - the idiot screaming "Read the Bill!" he was reading from talking points sent out by the Glen Becks of the country who not just twist the truth but fog them up and incite fear and by saying that Obama is going to decide when you will die.

i think the insurance companies and HMO's in particular have been doing a good job about deciding life and death for quite a long time now. and making money from it.

and those twitters by the #1 twit in the world - sarah palin? it's amazing that she doesn't stab herself in the back of her throat with her spiked heels when she puts both of her feet in her mouth because she doesn't know how to think. i believe she's just barely behind Michelle Bachman from MN for the dumbest broad in the world title. trust me, broad is a compliment for these two women. if i were a woman, i'd be insulted if someone referred to them as women. they're not even one of the girls.

and my personal opinion about all of this? IT'S ALL ABOUT RACE. if Obama was totally white, it wouldn't be as bad as it is. the one's doing the loudest screaming are old white men with their women-folk following in the love, honor and OBEY oath they still hold to. they all watch Fox and are dittoheads.

if the heat weren't so bad this year down in Honduras because they've had very little rain during this rainy season, i'd go back. i loved working with the kids in the schools for the last week.

at least i'm only here for a couple of weeks. i'm off to Egypt, Greece and Italy at the end of the month for three weeks.

maybe the nutters will implode while i'm gone?

nahhhhhhhhh...

weekender...

2009-08-07T15:51:00.002-05:00

GREAT NEWS!

Alcohol does not make you FAT

- it makes you LEAN...

against tables,
chairs,
floors,
walls,
and ugly people!

good thing Maxx is built
so close to the ground...

weekender...

2009-07-31T07:10:00.000-05:00

yeah, i know, i'm in Honduras, but i couldn't pass this one up in case you're doing any lawn work around the house this weekend...

The Broken Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Maxx didn't even say anything about this one. he doesn't want me to stop the lawn service i use.

he's no dummy - just a bit of a drunk...

if you're reading this at 5:45 am...

2009-07-30T05:45:00.001-05:00

my flight just took off for Honduras.

a group of us from HEDAC, the charity of which i am treasurer, is on it's way to work for the next week with the schools we've adopted in Morazan. i have two loaded bags of shoes and clothes for the kids.

we will be painting the two new schools we just adopted and beginning our special project - School Gardens. now that the fences we built are finished they will be protected.

besides rehabbing the schools, we built kitchens in each of them. the government, sometimes, will send beans and rice to the schools and we thought that giving each of the schools the ability to support itself, in a sustainable way, would add not only to the nutrition of the kids, but also there is a lot of teaching and learning that can go along with it.

our pilot garden at Escuela Luis Landa is a big success. i've posted a couple of pictures below. the kids are doing all of the garden work themselves. it's really great.

i know there is a bit of a political problem, if you've been reading the news, but a couple of us are already down there and saying you wouldn't know there is a problem. we'll be in the north near San Pedro Sula and most of the problems are in the far south on the Nicaraguan border and there is no violence anywhere in the country.

i'll be out of touch since connectivity is not widespread in Honduras, but when i'm back, i'll post some pictures and information about the trip.

if you would like to help, click here - HEDAC - check out our website and make a donation. the kids really appreciate all the help you give.

thanks,

mike/

kids working in the garden...

kids weeding the garden

some of the vegetables of their work...

monday morning mayhem...

2009-07-27T04:23:00.000-05:00

corporate headhunters?

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked INCREASE in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.

But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

keep a closer eye out in the cafeteria at work... especially if you're in management.

retirement planning...

*From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant carrying a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches A£5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.

Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million)!

And no one even knows his name!

i wonder what the Repubs would say about this private retirement plan?

wait, this is the one they have for themselves...

i wonder this too...

i was Downtown across from Millenium Park in Chicago at a friend's this week. i was there to help with her computer and she lives across the street from the park. people were all over the place, stopped illegally on Michigan Avenue, crossing the street anywhere they wanted, lots of traffic.... it was a mess. the stupidity of the people was beyond belief. most were putting their children in danger. i always told the kids that in a fight between a human and a car, the car always wins. i imagine all these idiots stress safety to their children and then put them in danger.

when i saw Maxine's question i knew she was speaking directly about these people and to me...

interesting little known fact...

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

i've only known Maxx
to breath OUT!
you don't ever want to be there.
trust me...

the devil, you say?

2009-07-26T10:11:00.002-05:00

Crooks and Liars had this photo-op of Michelle Bachmann [R-MN] who may not only be the nuttiest congressperson in the country but possibly in the entire country, if not the whole world.

scary...

after hearing what comes out of her mouth about the government and our country's history, i wonder how she was able to pass a required Constitution test to graduate from elementary school, high school and college.

maybe it's not a requirement in Minnesota? i'll have to ask my friend who's from the state.

in Illinois you have to pass a Constitution test at all three levels to graduate.

word for the day...

2009-07-21T10:34:00.003-05:00

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common..

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.